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  • The Eighty-Three Roads To Wembley: Part Three

    Hooray, my computer’s fixed! Bah, it’s no longer remotely timely writing about the FA Cup. Let’s get to the end of the 1960s anyway, after which I’ll come back to this series when it’s a bit more relevant, tentatively adding in one update for each round of next season’s FA Cup. But at least in this update I get to start keeping a count of how often the FA Cup Final airs on the same day as an episode of Doctor Who, which I’m sure will see the SEO scores for the blog rise sharply. Anyway, time to hop in a sports car driven by Simon Dee, we’re off to…

    ERA FIVE The BBC-1 Years

    2 May 1964: West Ham United 3 Preston North End 2

    BBC1
    11:30 to 17:15     Grandstand

    A five goal thriller ends with Bobby Moore being handed the trophy by the Earl of Harewood, but before then Grandstand viewers are treated to diversions of golf from Wentworth, Boxing from a non-specific location in ‘America’ and Ice Hockey from Brighton.

    Anyone tuning into BBC-1 an hour before the start of Grandstand can find themselves treated to The Fabric of the Atom at 10.35 (“An introduction to Quantum Mechanics”), where Professor Philip Morrison looks at matter waves. The Radio Times pleasingly points out that the programme featured “special equipment loaned by Professor Harry Meiners Troy, USA”. We’re a long way from Saturday Superstore, aren’t we? That was followed at 11.05 by Parliamo Italiano, where “Giulia takes over the packing for their holiday”, and Public Service Announcements at 11.25.

    Some killer content follows the football, Grandstand being followed at 5.15 by The Telegoons (“Lurgi Strikes Britain”), and at 5.30 it’s Dr Who, a programme still new enough for the Daily Mirror TV guide to append it with “(science fiction series)”. Tonight’s episode: The Snows of Terror.

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: One.

    ATV
    13:24 to 17:15     Big Afternoon Out

    Over on ITV, we’re still some time away from a World of Sport, so enjoy another Big Afternoon Out at the very specific time of 1.24pm, with Professional Wrestling from Wembley Town Hall offering a grapplin’ support act for the big match.

    There’s nothing more exciting than a 1.15pm News Bulletin before the sporting action, but there’s a good line-up after it. Robert Shaw stars in The Buccaneers at 5.15 (episode: “The Decoy”), but that’s followed by Thank Your Lucky Stars at 5.50, with The Shadows and Roy Orbison. If you’re sticking around until 8.25pm, you can look forward to some Sid ‘n’ Dick era Morecambe and Wise.

    1 May 1965: Liverpool 2 Leeds United 1

    BBC1
    11:30 to 17:25     Grandstand

    An all-Northern cup final for 1965, with Bill Shankley’s reds taking the title. Before that, alongside golf from Sandwich, racing from Ascot Heath, swimming from Portsmouth and rugby union from Twickers, there’s a screening of Sir Stanley Matthews’ testimonial match from Stoke, highlights of which are on YouTube. Appropriately enough, given Matthews’ own XI (featuring names such as Stan Mortenson, Nat Lofthouse, Tom Finney, Danny Blanchflower and Jimmy Hill) was taking on a World XI (including Lev Yashin, Aldredo di Stefano, Frerenc Puskas, Eusebio), the match was beamed around Europe via Eurovision, and on radio around the world.

    Before Grandstand, it was time for BBC Educational Broadcasts to shine in a time before the Open University, erm, opened. The Changing World (“an introduction to geology”) started things off at 10.15am, followed by Komm Mit!, the twenty-seventh of thirty lessons in German for beginners at 10.45am.

    Following the presentation of the cup (by The Queen, no less) it was time for Juke Box Jury at 5.25pm, with panellists including Dave Clark and Dora Bryan. That was followed by a new adventure in space and time at 5.50pm, with Dr Who in The Dimensions of Time.

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: Two.

    ATV
    12:50 to 17:15     World of Sport

    Over on the light channel, the Big Afternoon Out had been replaced by World of Sport, but little else had changed. Indeed, that coverage of the sporting world only stretched from Wembley Stadium to Wembley Town Hall for live wrestling.

    Anyone not feeling in the mood for geology or German on BBC-1 would have to make do with walking the dog if they were looking for alternative entertainment before World of Sport, with only a News update preceding the action at 12.45. The sporting action was followed at 5.15pm by The Forest Rangers (episode: The Dog) and more Thank Your Lucky Stars at 5.50pm, where Cilla Black, The Merseybeats, Sounds Incorporated and Julie Grant topped the bill.

    14 May 1966: Everton 3 Sheffield Wednesday 2

    BBC1
    11:15 to 17:25     Grandstand

    A big year for domestic football, as a British team wearing red go on to lift the Jules Rimet trophy later in the summer. Sadly though, it’s not Wales. But that’s many weeks away. A low-scoring defensive cup final looks to be on the menu, as Everton reach the final without having conceded a goal en route to Wembley, and buoyed by the presence of a certain J Lennon and P McCartney amongst the 100,000 spectators, their name is surely on the cup.

    Except! It’s Wednesday the roar into a two-goal lead, only for Everton to roar back to take the cup in a thrilling 3-2 win. In the Radio Times, Kenneth Wolstenholme writes about the Cup now coming with a passport to Europe, with a place in the Cup Winners’ Cup, where “each home gate can mean another £20,000 in the bank”.

    For the audience at home, the build-up to the big kick-off is supported by the MCC taking on the West Indies at Lord’s and racing from Ayr.

    Viewers tuning early for a feast of football can enjoy some brain soup for starters, with the splendidly-titled Laws of Disorder (“An introduction to chemical change and thermodynamics by Professor George Porter FRS”) at 10.15 and Master Builders (“Ten lectures on evolution and change in architectural ideas. 4: The Villa”) at 10.45. Anyone sticking around after the cup presentation by Princess Margaret can look forward to Juke Box Jury at 5.20, with David Jacobs in the big chair and Helen Shapiro, Jimmy Witherspoon, Janice Whiteman and Frank de Vol on jury duty. Then, after the News at 5.45, it’s time for Dr Who at 5.55, today’s story being Donald Cotton’s Johnny Ringo (“The most dreaded killer in all the West, Johnny Ringo, rides into town”).

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: Three


    ATV
    13:00 to 17:15     Word of Sport

    Over on the ATV, there’s the usual serving of Professional Wrestling and some Racing Results to supplement the soccer in World of Sport, but at least there’s also some big brain knowledge to grapple with beforehand, with Say it in Russian at 11.50am, Les Trois Coups at 12.15 and The Anatomy of First Aid at 12.35. On the other side of the world (of Sport), there are some more Adventures of Robin Hood at 5.15. Elsewhere in the country, viewers in the Midlands and North instead get to enjoy a bonanza of Bob Monkhouse with Mad Movies, while viewers in Wales and Anglia get to see The Flintstones instead.

    20 May 1967: Tottenham Hotspur 2 Chelsea 1

    BBC1
    11:25 to 17:25     Grandstand

    We’re just six weeks away from colour television hitting the UK, meaning this inaugural all-London FA Cup Final is the last to be screened exclusively in monochrome. Jimmy Robertson and Frank Saul put Spurs into a two-goal lead that Chelsea fail to match, meaning the trophy is taken back to Tottenham for the fifth time.

    The big match on Grandstand sees David Coleman presenting the now-standard tasters of The Wembley Scene, How They Got There and Meet the Teams, but for footballphobes there’s also the MCC versus India at Lord’s (or Glamorgan vs Gloucestershire for viewers in Wales) and Great Britain versus the USA in golf’s Walker Cup.

    Back to the football though, and the Radio Times have brought in the big guns to provide a preview of the match, with the write-up on Tottenham provided by novelist, playwright, creator of Dixon of Dock Green and socialist firebrand Lord Ted Willis (“Spurs: a team which has given me more thrills and pleasure over the years than almost anything else in my life”). For Chelsea, the summary was penned by actor, director and maniac who brought those dinosaurs back to life, Richard Attenborough (“In the spring of 1942 I first took a girlfriend to a spot called Stamford Bridge. My intentions proved absolutely honourable: without hesitation I married both the girl and Chelsea and no divorces have ever been contemplated”). Lovely stuff.

    Before the match, you’ve got a nice mix of content, with In Your Own Words at 10am, which vows to help you become more confident in your speech (“1. The Language of Social Occasions”), Management Techniques at 10.30 (“2. Control by Budgeting”) and Gardening Club at 11am, with Percy Thrower live at the Gardening Club Garden in Edgbaston. Suddenly the Mitchell and Webb joke about each programme on the BBC having it’s own garden feels a little more real.

    Following the match, 5.25pm has a Juke Box Jury line-up for the ages: Kenny Everett and Leslie Crowther joined by Julie Felix and (replacing Shirley Anne Field, as billed in the Radio Times) Kiki Dee. Then, on the other side of 5.50pm The News, at 6pm it’s Dr Who (Patrick Troughton, that’s Who) tackling the first part of The Evil of the Daleks.

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: Four

    ATV
    12:30 to 17:15 World of Sport

    A helping of horse racing to accompany the wrestling alongside the cup final over on Your Weekend ITV (if you lived in London, of course). The action was preceded by En Route at 11.25, First Steps in Physics at 11.45 and The Food You Eat at 12.05. Elsewhere, viewers in both Midlands and the South-West of England opened the day with The ABC of Do-It-Yourself.

    Following the final whistle, viewers in London got a repeat episode of Adventures of Robin Hood at 5.15, with most other regions getting aquatic action from Adventures of the Seaspray instead.

    ERA SIX The Early Colour Years

    18 May 1968: West Bromwich Albion 1 Everton 0

    BBC1
    11:15 to 17:25     Grandstand

    Here we go, a whole new landmark in football broadcasting. Not that you’d appreciate that if you were watching on BBC1, with the full colour spectrum on TV being the sole preserve of (a) poshos with brand new colour sets and (b) BBC2. If it’s any consolation, they’d need to be watching the bulk of the build-up in black and white, with The Wembley Scene, People at the Match and Meet the Teams all part of the regular Cup Final Grandstand line-up. And if you’d like a break from all that, you’ve got The MCC versus ‘The Australians’ (as the RT listing had it) from Lord’s for a full two hours near the start of this edition, along with boxing from Manchester.

    If you wanted to warm your brain up a bit beforehand, tune in at 9.30am for Komm Mit!, stick around at 10am for Bonjour Francoise and at 10.30am for Teaching Adults. Or stick around at the end of Grandstand to leap straight into Dr Who at a scheduled 5.25pm, with part four of The Wheel of Space (*The Cybermen step up their attack and the Doctor and Jamie are in deadly peril”). That was to be followed by 5.50pm News, at 6pm by Genome content warning favourite The Dick van Dyke Show and – providing we’re truly in the imperial phase of 60s television – Dee Time at 6.25pm.

    However! Jeff Astle’s winner for West Brom only arrived once the match had gone into extra time, pushing subsequent programming back by around 25 minutes. Thanks to the ever-splendid Paul Hayes for pointing out that the Doctor Who PasB details on the BBC website reveal the News remained at 5.50pm, and that episode of Who aired a tadge after 6pm. (It would make sense that the edition of The DvanD Show scheduled for that 6pm slot was postponed for a week, meaning everything else ran on time, but that’s speculation on my part.)

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: Five

    BBC2
    14:30 to 17:00     1968 FA Cup Final

    With colourvision not arriving on the main channels for another 18 months, it was up to BBC2 to broadcast that first ever colour coverage in glorious 625-line RGB.

    ATV
    12:30 to 17:15     World of Sport

    The final chance for the ATV London weekend franchise to broadcast a Cup Final, and (happily for me) the first time there’s a detailed itinerary in the newspaper TV listings. It’s pretty much a facsimile of the Grandstand feature set, of course, with “How the Teams Got There” the WoS counter to Grandstand’s “How They Got There”, “Meet the Players” the alternative to “Meet the Teams”. Still, not long before we get the Light Entertainment infantry deployed on the light channel’s cup final coverage.

    Tune in early for 11.15 Face of the Earth, 11.40 Accueil and at noon for Working Weather. Stick around after the trophy lift for Sword of Freedom at 5.15 and Time for Blackburn at 5.45.

    26 April 1969: Manchester City 1 Leicester City 0

    Hoo, boy. Things are about to get a bit fisty. And not in the way you might expect. The players were perfectly well behaved during the match, as were the managers (aside from Man City manager Joe Mercer complaining that the Wembley pitch “used to be a bowling green, now it’s a cabbage patch”). The fans were well behaved, too. In the days following the final, the supporters of both teams were praised in the Commons for their good conduct during the final.

    So, then. What was the big deal? TO PAGE 163 OF JIMMY HILL’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY!

    You could’ve guessed he’d be pulling this pose on the cover, couldn’t you?

    This relates to Hill’s time working for a shiny new LWT franchise, ready to make a big name for themselves. The final was on their patch, and this was one of their first chances to really show the BBC they had some serious competition in the capital. Over to you, Jimmy:

    “Notwithstanding domestic confrontations at LWT, occasionally war broke out in full with the supposed real enemy, the BBC. I say supposed because at times, in endeavouring and often failing to reach an agreed competitive policy, we could be excused for believing we had more in common with the BBC than with other ITV companies. However, there was a distinct lack of any loving feeling at Wembley for the 1969 Cup final between Manchester City and Leicester City. The final was covered by both channels. The players behaved well but, claiming they had an exclusive contract for interviews, BBC staff attempted to break up an ITV interview with Mike Summerbee. An ITV outside broadcast manager, David Yallop, lost a tooth in the sudden switch from football to the noble art of lack of self-defence, and was obviously so disorientated by the whole experience he moved on to become a highly successful author.

    Fortunately for us the war subsided, but not the competition and since that incident the Wembley authorities have made sure that agreed lines of rights and demarcations are upheld.”

    (The Jimmy Hill Story, by Jimmy Hill)

    Oof, eh? For more details on this broadcasting brouhaha, and the subsequent carpeting by the FA, read this excellent Sports Journalists Association article from 2019.

    BBC1
    11:25 to 17:15     Cup Final Grandstand

    After that, a bit of a comedown, but anyway. The last Cup Final of the decade, and where we’ll draw a line under proceedings for the time being. Another point of note here: the first official use of “Cup Final Grandstand” as the programme title in the Radio Times. That aside, the set menu for the day’s coverage on Grandstand was the same as previous years, with The Wembley Scene, People at the Match, How They Got There and Meet the Teams all present and correct. As was a supporting bill of Cricket (“The Duke of Norfolk’s XI vs The West Indies”) and Boxing (“Johnnie Famechon vs Giovanni Girgenti”).

    Before the final, you had an opportunity to watch Spanish language tutorial Vamos A Ver! (9.30am), Italian language tutorial Si Dice Cosi (10am) and French language tutorial Suivez La Piste (10.30am), before the antics of disappointing superhero (sub please check) The Weather Man at 11am and Deputy Dawg at 11.05am.

    Following the final whistle (and scrap over post-match interviewees) it was time for Dr Who at 5.15pm (The War Games: Part Two, by Terrance Dicks and Malcolm Hulke, “the trio are caught up in the turmoil of war”), the News at 5.40pm followed by Here’s Lucy at 5.50pm. But do stick around for The Dave Allen Show at 7.30pm, with guests Matt Monro, Ray Barrett and The George Mitchell Singers.

    CUP FINAL DAY DR WHO COUNT: Six

    BBC2
    14:30 to 17:00     FA Cup Final (in colour!)

    Of course, while all the fighting between BBC1 and ITV was going on, the team working for BBC2 all stood aside, looking aloof, smoking French cigarettes and wondering if they should bring back Jazz 625. One can only assume.

    London Weekend
    12:00 to 17:15     World of Sport

    Over on ITV, a not-yet-rebranded as ‘Dickie’ Richard Davies presented a World of Sport line-up that took in Football Highlights of the Sixties, Footballer of the Year and The Way to Wembley. There was also Racing from Sandown and (predictably) Wrestling.

    Before everything, erm, kicked off, you could enjoy your weekend Weetabix in front of RAC Road Report (10.10am), Discovering London (10.15), Deux Mondes (10.40), All About Riding (11am) and Joe 90 (11.30). The action was followed by Land of the Giants at 5.15pm, but up against Dave Allen at 7.30pm there’s Galton and Simpson Comedy episode Friends in High Places, starring Bob Monkhouse and Patricia Hayes.

    And that’s why the video recorders needed to be invented.

    Right, that’ll do for now. Back with something else – probably not about football – soon.

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  • The Eighty-Three Roads To Wembley: Part Two

    A new player has joined the game.

    Back with the next stage of our wander down Wembley Way (briefly taking in Westgate Street, Cardiff), but first a quick whip-pan back to the 1940s. In the last part, we looked at how the billing for the first televised post-war Cup Final was advertised as airing from 4.05pm to 4.45pm, the Radio Times promising that “the last part of the match” would be screened live.

    Well. Since then, I’ve been contacted by Paul Hayes on BlueSky, who has some more background info on that broadcast, following his research into the life and career of Jimmy Jewell, for a BBC Radio documentary on the former Norwich manager. Jewell was a key figure in those early years of the televised cup, on both sides of the action. A World War I Air Force veteran turned former amateur footballer, Jewell became a Football League referee by 1932 and would be the man in black at the first televised Cup Final in 1938. It was Jewell who blew the whistle for the late penalty that led to Preston’s extra-time winner. The following year, Jewell became manager of Norwich City until the outbreak of war led to him rejoining the RAF.

    On returning from active duty, he turned his hand to sport commentary – including providing commentary for that 1947 Cup Final between Charlton and Burnley.

    Radio Times listings, 26 April 1947

    That’s where Paul Hayes’ research comes in. He has been able to confirm, from BBC paperwork of the time, that a late decision was made to broadcast the match in full, with the opening telecine film whirring into life at 2.45pm. To save Jewell from an exhausting two solid hours of solo chatter, former Corinthian footballer Norman Creek was brought in as co-commentator, though Creek’s forthright description of the match as dull didn’t prove popular with the producer. 

    Tellingly, Jewell was instead joined by England manager Walter Winterbottom in the commentary position for the 1948 final. 

    For the 1951 Cup Final, billed in the Radio Times as running from 3.45pm to 5pm due to Football Association huffiness, that’s almost exactly what happened, as confirmed by the Programme as Broadcast (PasB) notes for the day. Almost exactly, as coverage ended just over six minutes before 5pm, meaning there was room for Interlude film ‘Angel Fish‘, before Whirligig whirred into motion just after five. 

    [UPDATE: Courtesy of Paul Hayes again, there’s more on Whirligig here. which was BBC TV’s first Saturday teatime children’s programme, and not – as I’d completely misremembered – 1950s US kids drama series Whirlybirds]

    When it came to the 1952 final, which wasn’t broadcast live at all, the BBC’s Head of Outside Broadcasts Peter Dimmock did write to FA Bigwig Sir Stanley Rous asking for a change of heart a week before the match. Dimmock’s proposal was to keep the live broadcast under wraps until the morning of the match, or even not to publicise it at all – secretly broadcasting the biggest sporting occasion of the entire year. With the BBC’s Outside Broadcast base positioned just over from the Empire Stadium (as was), the Corporation were even prepared to secretly set up their camera positions at the last minute, to avoid giving the game away.

    Peter Dimmock, looking every bit as gentlemanly as you’d expect.

    Sadly, that ‘secret’ cup final coverage didn’t come to pass, meaning the 1951 final would be the last live cup final commentary from Jimmy Jewell, who died in Autumn 1952. Though at least his co-commentator for that 1951 final – one Kenneth Wolstenholme – does conjure up the image of a fitting (albeit theoretical) passing-the-baton moment.

    Lastly, Paul has shared some PasB details for the 1938 and 1939 finals, confirming that The Three Bears did indeed precede the Cup Final in 1938 – airing at 2.13pm instead of the RT-billed 4.40pm, and noting that the coverage of the 1939 final began slightly ahead of the billed time 2.40pm, before wrapping up at the later-than-billed time of 4.45pm.

    Absolutely lovely stuff, there. Many thanks to Paul for that information. His documentary on Jimmy Jewell – a special episode of Radio Norfolk’s Norwich City show The Scrimmage – is still available on BBC Sounds – and I can confirm is a very enjoyable way to spend 57 minutes. If only to learn how Jewell once managed to ruin Adolf Hitler’s day.

    Okay, onto the next series of Cup Final Day schedules. Now available with our without commercials, as it’s the start of…

    ERA THREE The Early ITV Years

    So, double the schedule info from now on. Just to point out at the start – I’ll use the ITV London listings for each year, so don’t expect to see Tiswas appear too soon. This is information overload as it is, I don’t want to make life even more difficult for myself by throwing Westward, Grampian and Tyne-Tees into the mix (when they come into being). Anyway, off to:

    5 May 1956: Manchester City 3 Birmingham City 1

    The first Cup Final Day where newspaper listings had to specify which channel things were on, instead of just putting listings under the word ‘Television’. This being a time when London weekend television was ran by a region-hopping ATV, here’s how they fared.

    BBC-tv
    14:30 to 17:00 The Cup Final

    Here’s a thought for you – remember The BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2007? Not the winner of the award itself, won by Italian-Welsh boxer Joe Calzaghe, but the furore over the event itself being sponsored for the first time. The deal with soft drink brand Robinsons led to the usual amount of Beeb-bashing in all the usual corners, the BBC Trust duly rapping those responsible on the knuckles and the event was never sponsored again.

    Well, that didn’t seem to trouble anyone too much in the 1950s. “Community singing organised by the Daily Express” has been a fixture of the televised cup final coverage since it returned from the brief FA-enforced hiatus in 1953, and in 1956 it seemed especially egregious, with the tabloid sponsoring the Motor Racing immediately preceding the Cup Final at 1.45pm and being inserted into the half-time interval.

    Radio Times television listings, 5 May 1956

    With that in mind, it’s probably lucky to programme airing immediately following the final at 5pm was children’s programme Jack in the Box and not Rupert the Bear or Lord Beaverbrook’s Half Hour.

    ATV
    14:30 to 16:50 F.A. Cup Final

    Over on the Light Channel, quite ironically you wouldn’t get any such sponsorship hi-jinks due to the strict restrictions on advertising. Anyway, the channel’s inaugural Cup Final commentary was provided by Peter Lloyd, who’d previously worked alongside Jimmy Jewell to provide football commentary on the BBC since 1948, including the 1949 and 1950 Cup Finals. He was joined in the commentary box by England captain Billy Wright and former Manchester City stopper Frank Swift. Not a bad line-up for the first ever head-to-head Cup Final. Or, if you prefer, a bit impudent given the BBC are allowing them to broadcast the match and shove nine minutes of commercials around it.

    Granted, the actual reason was that it was a listed event, meaning no channel was allowed to have exclusivity to it.

    Daily Telegraph, Friday 4 May 1956

    London viewers had no lead-in programme for the final, but Midlands viewers tuning into their own weekend franchise ABC were treated to the pleasantly titled Introducing Ourselves at 2.15pm. The match was followed by a Superman cartoon at 4.50pm, then – joining Peter Lloyd as big name defector from the BBC – Muffin the Mule at 5.05pm. Don’t forget to stick around for Bernard Delfont presents The Winifred Atwell Show at 8.15pm, because regular guests Morecambe and Wise are in it.

    [UPDATE: Thanks again to Paul Hayes for noting Introducing Ourselves is most likely present because this was the first day that ABC was broadcasting to the North-West of England, having previously been broadcast only to the Midlands.]

    4 May 1957: Aston Villa 2 Manchester United 1

    BBC-tv
    14:15 to 17:00 The Cup Final

    With ITV companies declining the option of showing the match in 1957, it’s BBC all the way. The coverage was supplemented by highlights the previous night of an exhibition match between “Old England and Young England” at Highbury. The former: players over thirty who “have won their England cap” and a ragtag bunch of under-23s. This was the third such match since it had become a fixture in 1954, but the first to be won by Young England, who ran out 2-1 winners. A young chap with the surname ‘Clough’ was amongst their ranks that day. Wonder what became of him.

    The final – where Villa won their first final since 1924 – was followed at 5pm The Lone Ranger.

    ATV
    Viewing tuning in for an alternative view on the final hopefully weren’t confused by Variety Showtime appearing at 3pm, followed by Face the Mike at 4.15pm.

    3 May 1958: Bolton Wanderers 2 Manchester United 0

    BBC-tv
    14:15 to 16:50 The F.A. Cup Final

    A match-up that generated mixed feelings for Kenneth Wolstenholme – born in Manchester, schooled in Bolton – but as he wrote in the Radio Times before the match, at least nobody could accuse him of being biased. “But who will win on Saturday? How should I know. I’m supporting both teams!”

    Anyone tuning in before the match coverage started would just be treated to the test card, unless they found themselves in the transmission footprints of Wenvoe, Blaen-Plwyf, Holme Moss, or Sutton Coldfield transmitters. Those lucky few could tune in to Beunydd (“Bwrw golwg dros bynclau’r dydd mewn sgwrs a ffilm – a chyfle i gwrdd a rhai sy’n amlwg yn y newyddion”, or “take a look at the topics of the day in conversation and film – and a chance to meet some of the highlights in the news” if you prefer.)

    Following the lifting of the FA Cup, fans of motor racing could catch up with the latest new from The International Daily Express Trophy Meeting at Silverstone.

    ATV
    14:30 to 16:55 F.A. Cup Final

    The final returned to ITV in a year that proved to be a big one for football on the network. The following month would see the network broadcast live World Cup football for the first time, hosting seven live matches from Sweden. Then, in September, Scottish Television broadcast live football for the first time, with Hearts’ European Cup tie against Standard Liege.

    ITV London’s match coverage was preceded at 2pm by The Fox, an NBC Robin Hood-alike filmed in Britain. The match was followed at 4.55 by advertising magazine Saturday Showcase.

    ERA FOUR The Grandstand Years

    2 May 1959: Nottingham Forest 2 Luton Town 1

    BBC-tv
    11:30 to 17:05     Grandstand

    Ah, here we go. I’ve covered the history of Grandstand when it was revealed as The 13th Most-Broadcast BBC Series Ever, but here’s where it first appears on cup final day. This was a gamechanger – now all live sport being broadcast on cup final day was listed under the umbrella title, meaning it’s not necessarily football all the way. However, from the programme menu for 2 May 1959, it’s football at least most of the way, with a Cup Final Preview at the start of the programme, highlights of the previous year’s final at 1.30pm and filmed reports from the Luton and Forest camps. Aside from the football there’s live swimming (North v South of England) and – shortly before kick-off – a “Keep Fit Demonstration by members of the Keep Fit Association of England and Wales, directed by Eileen Fowler of BBC Television Women’s programmes.”

    And so, the template for the next few decades is set – the variety of sports in an edition of Grandstand is slimmed down to make for as much cup final build-up as possible. This is basically the birth of Cup Final Day as we’d come to know it.

    Elsewhere on the BBC-tv schedule, Grandstand is preceded at 11.0 by Beunydd in the relevant regions, and followed at 5.05pm by Wheels and Wings, a Canadian cartoon film about the “Romance of Transportation”.

    ATV
    14:50 to 16:55     Cup Final

    Over on ITV, there are also the first budding signs of Cup Final Worlds of Sport to come, with motor racing coverage (at 12.20 and 2.20pm) interrupted at 1.20pm by an exhibition match between Frankie Vaughan’s Boys’ Clubs versus a team of TV Stars. That was followed by admag Saturday Showcase at 4.55pm and Robin Hood at 5.10pm.

    7 May 1960: Wolverhampton Wanderers 3 Blackburn Rovers 0

    BBC-tv
    12:45 to 16:55 Grandstand

    The glorious Grandstand is now in full swing, and it’s football almost all the way. A day packed with filmed highlights of how each team got to the Empire Stadium (in previous rounds of the cup, rather than footage of their bus getting stuck in traffic, you understand), interviews with the players on each team, highlights of the 1959 final and the big match itself. In fact, the only billed diversion to the football in coverage of boxing from the USA, with Harold Johnson taking on Clarence Floyd.

    For those finding themselves near Wenvoe, Blaen-Plwyf, Holme Moss or Sutton Coldfield masts, the coverage is preceded by a Cymraeg coupling of Telewele (12.15pm) and Newyddion (12.40pm). Alternatively, stick around after the final whistle for Hide and Seek (5pm), a “film story about the adventures of five children on a Swedish island”, narrated by Frank Duncan.

    ATV
    With the light channel presumably keeping their powder dry while working on a deal with the Football League that would give them rights to screen live matches, the schedule for cup final Saturday was instead given to Amateur Boxing, International Wrestling, the Moscow State Circus and (an unspecified) Western, all under the umbrella title of “Let’s Go“.

    The deal was ultimately signed in August, got off to a wobbly start in September, and was swiftly dropped when clubs refused to let cameras into their grounds and the Football League decided that ITV should do more to compensate players.

    The Times, 17 Aug 1960
    Daily Telegraph, 15 Sept 1960

    6 May 1961: Tottenham Hotspur 2 Leicester City 0

    BBC-tv
    11.15 to 16:55     Grandstand

    A bit more variety to Grandstand this time around, with golf and swimming alongside the cup final fol-de-rol. Excitement elsewhere in the listings, as 9.30am (or 9.45am, depending on which newspaper you’re looking at) includes coverage of US space flight Operation Mercury, with Alan B Shepard Jr becoming the first American (and second person ever) to launch into space.

    The live match was followed by western Range Rider at 5pm, for those who just couldn’t wait for another western – Laramie – at 6.30pm. Don’t worry, only a few more years until we get Doctor Who.

    ATV
    13:05 to 17:00     All-Star Afternoon: Cup Final and Wrestling

    Following the grand folly that was their live Football League coverage, ITV are returning to the Cup Final this year, with their afternoon devoted to the final and Live Wrestling.

    Following the sporting action at 5pm was Robin Hood starring Richard Greene in ‘The Black Patch’.

    5 May 1962: Tottenham Hotspur 3 Burnley 1

    BBC-tv
    11.15 to 17:00     Grandstand

    David Coleman is on the pitch at Wembley Stadium to bring another day of football and sporting action, with the regular segments (Meet the Finalists et al still going strong) sharing space with golf from St Andrews, swimming from Blackpool and Boxing from Miami. For the match itself, the BBC had taken extra effort to upgrade their match coverage, their cameras now able to zoom in on the action where practical, giving viewers a much improved experience.

    Viewers tuning in before 11.15am could expect to see Telewele (10.40am) and Newyddion (11.05am) if they were in the relevant transmitter areas, or the tuning signal if not. Luckily, everyone would get to enjoy adventure series Circus Boy at 5pm, followed by Mr Pastry’s Progress at 5.25pm.

    Mr Pastry (right)

    ATV
    14:40 to 17:00     FA Cup Final

    Pretty much by the numbers over on ITV this year, with coverage starting twenty minutes before kick-off, and finishing practically before Danny Blanchflower had reached the bottom of the Wembley steps with the cup.

    Before the coverage of the final, ITV viewers could enjoy Professional Wrestling from across town, over at Wembley Town Hall. Following the match, they were treated to Robin Hood episode “The Ghost That Failed”.

    25 May 1963: Manchester United 3 Leicester City 1

    BBC-tv
    12:00 to 17:00     Grandstand

    A few weeks later in May than had been planned at the start of the season, all thanks to fixture congestion created by The Big Freeze of 1963, at was almost June by the time the 1963 final came around. A Manchester United team that had narrowly avoided relegation from Division One found form at the right time, despatching a theoretically superior Leicester side with a goal from Denis Law and two from David Herd.

    Elsewhere, viewers could enjoy Walker Cup golf from Tumberry, boxing from Madison Square Garden and show jumping from Wilmslow.

    The regular Telewele and Newyddion preceded the action, now followed by ‘Announcements‘. As was now traditional, Circus Boy followed the final whistle at 5pm.

    ATV
    13:20 to 17:15     Saturday Sportstime

    Having cast an envious glance at Grandstand, ATV tried to bottle that magic by putting a Saturday Sportstime sticker over their Saturday afternoon sporting action. Though with it comprising the same mixture of the FA Cup Final and wrestling, there wasn’t too much of a difference from last year.

    For anyone not fancying Circus Boy on the Beeb, there was the option of seeing big budget drama Sir Francis Drake at 5.15pm.

    Fool your friends by claiming this was the working title for Blue Peter

    We’ll leave this there for now. Come back next time to see The BBC Television Service regenerate into two separate channels. There’ll be a lot of that going on.

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  • The Eighty-Three Roads To Wembley: Part One

    With the FA Cup Final set to kick off soon (this year, Man City v Chelsea, or “The Neutrals’ Nightmare”), it’s time for bloggers, posters and podcasters to begin the annual pissing contest of How Early Cup Final Coverage Used To Begin. It started as early as 10am! No, 9am! Well, of course, I remember it starting at 8am!

    But did it? Did it really? Did it? Really?

    And is anyone bloody-minded enough to check? Are they really? If it ever really started, when did it start? Sadly, it’s very nearly a full 90 years since regular scheduled television began in the UK, so it’s not as if anyone’s about to check.

    Yeah, hello. 

    Predictably, I’ve just done that thing. So: join me now as we scamper back through time to the sepia-soaked past and explore The Complete Coverage Of FA Cup Final Day on British Television, seeing how that particular journey panned out.

    Starting with:

    ERA ONE The Pre-War TV Era

    30 April 1938: Preston North End 1 Huddersfield Town 0

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.25pm Cup Final”

    Preceded by: The Three Bears

    Followed by: Closedown

    While the BBC Television Service began in November 1936, by the time the first FA Cup Final of the television era came around – on 1 May, with Sunderland beating Preston 3-1 – the technology wasn’t quite up to beaming it all onto television screens. And so, as radio listeners settled down to “description by George F Allison and Ivan Sharpe” at 2.45pm, those early tele-adopters were treated to “Summer Gardening by C H Middleton”.

    That changed in 1938, with live coverage of the final beamed into the homes to viewers in the UK (well, some bits of the UK) for the first time. The Radio Times listings for the big day had coverage set to begin at the very specific time of 2.27pm, with the action coming direct from Wembley, followed by short ballet film The Three Bears. However, newspapers from the day itself reverse that order, with The Three Bears sitting down to their porridge at 2.10pm, with the cup final coverage starting at 2.25pm. That late switch was a canny move – the viewing hundreds sat through a goalless 90-minutes, leading to half an hour of extra time, the match ultimately settled by Preston inside-right George Mutch slotting home a 119th minute penalty.

    Even the Radio Times listing for the event had been uncertain about the whole affair: “By kind permission of the Football Association and Wembley Stadium, the Cup Final match between Preston North End and Huddersfield Town will be televised (conditions permitting) direct from Wembley.” Can’t imagine Matt Lorenzo excitedly proclaiming that on ITV, can you?

    23 April 1939: Portsmouth 4 Wolverhampton Wanderers 1

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.45pm F.A. Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing

    Followed by: Closedown

    Here we go. A veritable bagful of goals? Check. A much less uncertain Radio Times billing? Check. A warning that no enterprising publican is to broadcast the match to their customers? Check and don’t even bloody think about getting your J. E. Jenkinson’s Steam-Powered Firestick out.

    "The match between Portsmouth and Wolverhampton Wanderers televised direct from Wembley Stadium. In accordance with the agreement between the BBC and the Football Association, no rediffusion in places of public entertainment will be permitted."

    It even made the cover of the RT, with a map of the pitch to aid radio listeners and a pointer to where the TV cameras would be.

    The inside pages provided more detail, with the journal’s pseudonymous columnist The Scanner reporting how the trio of cameras – two just above the Royal Box and a third one on ground level – “should easily suffice to keep the whole of the game well in the picture”.

    In short: great. All up and running. The FA Cup Final is going to be a staple of TV sports coverage for every year from now on, and nothing is going to change that. Now to take a big drink of water and check what happened in the 1940 Cup Final.

    Hey, the telly’s stopped working. I was watching that cartoon.

    ERA TWO The Early Post-War Years

    26 April 1947: Charlton 1 Burnley 0

    BBC-tv Billing: “4.05pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing

    Followed by: “4.45pm Interlude”

    With television not quite ready to return in time for the 1946 final (27 April, Derby County 4 Charlton Athletic 1), it would be the following year before the final reappeared on TV screens. The reduced circumstances of the Television Service meant that full coverage couldn’t be provided for that year’s Charlton vs Burnley match, with just “the last part of the match” being screened from 4.05pm, along with the presentation of the cup to the winners, just in time for a twenty-minute interlude and the transmitters going to sleep until 8.30pm (Victorian operetta The Two Bouquets, if you were wondering).

    24 April 1948: Manchester United 4 Blackpool 2

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing

    Followed by: “4.50pm Closedown”

    Here we, in a very real sense, go. Back to full-match coverage and for the first time, a proper itinerary.

    2.30 Community singing and interviews with members of the crowd
    2.55 Presentation of the teams to His Majesty the King
    3.0 The kick-off
    3.45 Half-time
    3.55 The second half
    4.40 The final whistle
    4.45-4.50 Their Majesties the King and Queen present the F.A. Cup and medals to the two teams

    That’s what we want.

    30 April 1949: Leicester City 1 Wolverhampton Wanderers 3

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: “2.15pm In Our Garden”

    Followed by: “4.50pm Closedown”

    The same again, another full itemised breakdown of events in the Radio Times and a return to a lead-in programme before the big match. In Our Garden allowed horticulturalists a chance to enjoy “F. Streeter [giving] more practical hints” before Abide With Me.

    29 April 1950: Arsenal 2 Liverpool 0

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: “2pm In Our Garden”

    Followed by: “4.50pm Closedown”

    A repeat of the previous year’s coverage in 1950, this time with In Our Garden extended to a half-hour slot (“Frances Perry discusses the problem of chrysanthemum-stopping”). We could get used to this. Let’s hope nothing happens to (etc).

    28 April 1951: Newcastle United 2 Blackpool 0

    BBC-tv Billing: “3.45pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing

    Followed by: “5pm Whirligig”

    Oh dear. “This afternoon sees the climax of the Association Football season and you are invited to join the hundred thousand spectators during the second half of the match.” The Football Association, wary of the growing popularity of television, decide to restrict television coverage to just the second half, lest there be in impact on ticket sales – a fuzzy eight-inch monochrome screen being deemed a distinct rival to being at Wembley. Or, indeed, any of the Football League matches taking place that afternoon.

    3 May 1952: Newcastle United 1 Arsenal 0

    BBC-tv Billing: “3pm Cricket: Worcestershire v. India”

    Wait, what? September 1951 saw the FA Council proclaim that the Cup Final would not be televised until further notice. As such, televisually equipped fans of both teams were instead treated to cricket on their screens come kick-off time. That wasn’t the only grinchery being meted out by the Football Association – that year, only the second half of the match was broadcast on The Light Programme. Again, a total of eighteen Football League matches being played on the same day were to blame.

    Hopes had been high prior to the FA Council’s meeting that the whole sorry saga could have been avoided, with reports that the final could be moved back a week to 10 May, thus avoiding a programme of league matches on the third. But: it was not to be.

    2 May 1953: Blackpool 4 Bolton Wanderers 3

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing
    Followed by: “5pm The S.S. Saturday Special”

    With football missing from TV screens the previous May, the FA relented just a couple of months later, announcing in July 1952 that the final would return to TV screens, one unnamed delegate reporting to the press that it would do little harm to “show its goods in the shop window once a year”. That turned out to be splendid timing, meaning the television audience – boosted by a upswing in receiver sales in the run up to the Coronation – wouldn’t miss one of the most heralded cup finals in the competition’s history. Stanley Matthews, Stan Mortenson, Blackpool coming back from 3-1 down to win 4-3, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria etc.

    As a cherry on that particular pudding, match coverage was followed by “The S.S. Saturday Special” with “Skipper Peter Butterworth and Porterhouse”, thereby making this an early holder of the record for Best Day Of Telly So Far.

    1 May 1954: West Bromwich Albion 3 Preston North End 2

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing
    Followed by: “5pm Whirligig”

    Another goalfest, with Kenneth Wolstenholme on the lip-mic and the Queen Mum presenting the trophy to the victorious Baggies at the end.

    7 May 1955: Newcastle United 3 Manchester City 1

    BBC-tv Billing: “2.30pm The Cup Final”

    Preceded by: Nothing
    Followed by: “5pm Jigsaw”

    The final year of the BBC’s uninterrupted monopoly of the big day, with the first Independent Television franchises gearing up for their big launch in September. The match was a memorable one, with Jackie Milburn slamming one home within the first minute as Newcastle roared to a 3-1 victory.

    Any viewers served by the Kirk o’ Shotts, Glencairn and Redmoss transmitters would have welcome an alternative viewing option, given they were served up live coverage of the cricket match between Poloc Cricket Club v. West Scotland. Still, any Newcastle fans finding themselves north of the border that day would only need to wait another 70 years to see their team lift a trophy at Wembley.

    We’ll leave it there for now, but look forward to the next few decades next time. ITV! Grandstand! And presumably the fabled Cup Final Coverage Starting At 9am!

    Daily Mirror, Thursday 22 September 1955.
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  • TV Unwrapped: 2025

    TV Unwrapped: 2025

    You might remember around this time last year, I posted a long list of 2024’s top fifty television programmes. Except, of course, not in any order of quality, everyone else is doing that. I listed them by quantity. Basically, which television programmes were broadcast most frequently throughout the year. I mean, quality like Celebrity Traitors is all very well and good, but you’ve got 24-hour schedules to fill.

    It's a picture of the celebrities from Celebrity Traitors, stamped "Rejected: Failed to meet quantity threshold"
    Sorry, guys.

    Last year’s list was hugely popular, being the most-read post on this blog over the last twelve months. (Granted, it being the only thing I’ve posted on this blog in the last twelve months may also be a factor.) But anyway, I’ve gone and done it again. Which shows have been thrown on most-frequently by the main free-to-air broadcasters throughout 2025? Let’s take a look!

    As with last year’s list, there are a few rules. I’m not including news, weather, teleshopping, Unwind with ITV, overnight gambling filler or pseudo-programmes like FYI Daily that purely exist to exploit ad-minutes-per-hour loopholes. I’m only looking at the main entertainment channels that are (a) available on Freeview and (b) could be considered to have at least a half-decent budget (so, BBC One, BBC Two, BBC Three, BBC Four, ITV1, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, C4, E4, More4 and Five). Oh, and this year I’ve managed to include EastEnders, which fell off the list last year.

    There may very well be some omissions that have slipped through my datanet, but hopefully barely any.

    But first, here’s a quiz! By my calculations there were a total of nine films that have been broadcast on four of the mainline TV channels in 2025. But what are they? See if you can work it out. I’ve given you the year each film was released, the number of characters in each title, and the number of times each film was broadcast on each channel.

    A table of films that have been on four different channels in 2025, with the names blanked out but the years remaining: 1978, 1975, 1969, 2001, 2004, 2015, 2008, 2010 and 1994

    Answers at the bottom of the list. Here’s the rundown!

    –

    A photo of the two female leads from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

    50. Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, 334 times
    BBC3
    Last Year: 47th, 320 times

    Repeat runs of Susan Nickson’s noughties sitcom show no sign of stopping, having become a bit of a mascot for BBC Three. Which is quite an achievement, given it pre-dates the channel itself by two years. Personally, I can’t help but wonder if Generation Z only view the series as a historical piece, it being their very own equivalent of the mid-80s BBC1 repeats of Hancock’s Half Hour.

    49. Homes Under the Hammer, 344 times
    BBC1 x 293, BBC2 x 51
    Last Year: 45th, 333 times

    As the cost of living continues to outpace rising incomes, there’ll be plenty of fuel for this series where people get forced out of their no-longer-affordable homes, meaning bowtied speculators can snap them up in bargain prices. Erm, hurrah for the invisible hand?

    48. Top Gear, 347 times
    BBC2 x 21, BBC3 x 326
    Last Year: 54th, 291 times

    The original series might be dead (or at least sleeping very heavily), but the repeats shall live on forever. A cursory search of the episode descriptions for the year returns 27 matches for “Matt LeBlanc”, but 145 for “Jeremy Clarkson”. And zero for the late Quentin Wilson. For shame.

    47. The Adventures of Paddington, 364 times
    C5
    Last Year: 42nd, 363 times

    How many more beloved celebrities will this behatted angel of death drag to the Pearly Gates before he is stopped?

    46. Find It, Fix It, Flog It, 366 times
    C4 x 177, More4 x 189
    Last Year: 31st, 479 times

    Noticed it, ignored it, watched another channel instead more like.

    Gaston, Ben, Holly, Nanny Plum and Wise Old Elf from Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom go investigating in the meadow

    45. Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom, 369 times
    C5
    Last Year: 102nd, 185 times

    One of Britain’s most underrated kids shows makes a welcome leap up the chart from last year. So much so, I had to check if some new episodes had been made. Sadly not – the 2013 Christmas two-parter is still the most recently-produced episode – but it means a new generation of kids will get to enjoy routines like “Name?” “The King.” “Occupation?” “King.” “Any previous work experience?” “Being King.” That can only be a good thing.

    44. Car S.O.S, 376 times
    C4 x 72, More4 x 304
    Last Year: 43rd, 362 times

    Channel Four’s commitment to outsider art triumphs once again, with this long running series of real-time Dogme95 films exploring the events of stricken motorists on the hard shoulder of the M56 waiting for a breakdown recovery truck to arrive. Obviously, that’s a lie, but the truth – that this is a programme originally made for the National Geographic Channel of all places – should be every bit as strange.

    43. Celebrity Catchphrase, 379 times
    ITV1 x 71, ITV2 x 308
    Last Year: 52nd, 298 times

    It’s six years since the last edition of regular Catchphrase aired, which feels surprising. Since then, it’s pivoted to a Celeb-only format – though that does make for a more interesting programme. Anyway, enjoy it in this format while you can, before the hard-working animators (and really, how many working hours must go into each episode of this?) are all replaced by AI slop bros.

    41. Fireman Sam, 383 times
    C5
    Last Year: 32nd, 477 times

    Naughty Norman Price still hasn’t been locked away, then. They probably just let him get away with his crimes because it’s so much fun saying his voice in a Welsh accent.

    41. The Royal, 383 times
    ITV3
    Last Year: 37th, 389 times

    Not a surprise for an ITV series to be a bit on the older side of current, but this does seem to be one programmes on heavy rotation on the channel that fewest people remember anything about. It’s like Avatar but with sixties Yorkshire accents.

    Bugs Bunny relaxes on a sun lounger while Tax snarls behind him

    40. Looney Tunes Cartoons, 395 times
    ITV2
    Last Year: 49th, 304 times

    The HBO-funded series that HBO immediately lost interest in at least has an appreciative audience on ITV2. With HBO Max due to launch in the UK in 2026, it remains to be seen if this makes to move to there, or whether nobody involved will notice it, given it’s on at 6.30am on ITV2.

    39. Food Unwrapped, 397 times
    C4 x 23, More4 x 374
    Last Year: 46th, 325 times

    Show original Dutch version Keuringsdienst van Waarde, you cowards.

    38. Top of the Pops, 399 times
    BBC2 x 17, BBC4 x 382
    Last Year: 39th, 377 times

    The BBC Four repeats currently wading through the reeds of 1998 does nothing to diminish the power of the channel’s most popular repeat run. TIP: If you ever feel like looking at the Official Charts page for any given week in 1998 to see if there were other, much better songs that could be played on any given week, don’t bother. Whenever I’ve done that, the top forty throughout 1998 does generally seem to be just that bad.

    37. Bargain Hunt, 400 times
    BBC1 x 318, BBC2 x 82
    Last Year: 35th, 405 times

    Another perennial that shows no sign of stopping. Personally, I wish they’d do at least one episode about people (me, I mean me) on a quest through the charity shops of Britain seeking out Network DVD boxsets going for less than two quid.

    A grinning Phil Mitchell has a post-it on his head, with Katie Price written on it

    34. EastEnders, 409 times
    BBC1 x 206, BBC2 x 5, BBC3 x 190, BBC4 x 8
    Last Year: 44th, 349 times

    Due to a calamitous oversight on my part, I didn’t include ‘stEnders in last year’s rundown – the figure above is where it would’ve been – so it’s nice to see where it actually lands this time. Also nice to see it’s now a member of the exclusive club of Programmes Shown On All Four BBC Channels in 2025. There are just three other things broadcast on all four this year. What were they? I’ll tell you at the end of the rundown, along with those four-channel films – one of them is a bit of a surprise.

    34. First Dates, 409 times
    C4 x 45, E4 x 364
    Last Year: 38th, 381 times

    A collection of couples eat the edible sweet fruits that grow on phoenix dactylifera trees for the very first time. Not much of a premise, but that’s E4 viewers for you.

    34. Midsomer Murders, 409 times
    ITV1 x 17, ITV3 x 392
    Last Year: 58th, 272 times

    The Middle England Chainsaw Massacre continues unabated. At the time of writing this, there are still six episodes of Midsomer Murders filmed in 2023 that have yet to be broadcast.

    33. Dinner Date, 451 times
    ITV2
    Last Year: Not broadcast

    A collection of couples eat meals wholly comprised of the edible sweet fruits that grow on phoenix dactylifera trees. The only programme on this list that – as far as I could ascertain – wasn’t broadcast at all in 2024.

    [UPDATE: With thanks to Ste Gordon on BlueSky, the appearance of Dinner Date on ITV2 is down to the closure of ITVBe, where it previously aired, meaning it moved to ITV2 this year.]

    32. Hollyoaks, 473 times
    E4
    Last Year: 21st, 690 times

    The move from mainline Channel Four to E4 has done little to stem to flow of episodes emanating out of Chester.

    Terry looks questioningly at Arfue from Minder

    31. Minder, 484 times
    ITV4
    Last Year: 25th, 592 times

    The timeliness adventures of Arfur and Terry continue to entertain. The non-zero chance of a second attempt at a remake but this time starring Bradley Walsh as Arfur continues to linger.

    30. The King of Queens, 487 times
    C4
    Last Year: 40th, 364 times

    The US sitcoms acting as interim replacements for RI:SE roll into their 57th year on early morning Channel Four.

    29. Teen Titans Go!, 491 times
    ITV2
    Last Year: 22nd, 671 times

    The Justice League’s Under-21 side remain popular, you notice.

    28. Friends, 505 times
    C5
    Last Year: 36th, 404 times

    IDEA FOR MISSION DOCUMENTARY: Dave Gorman travels to each household recycling plant in the UK to recover dumped VHS box sets of Friends, then uses them to construct a 1:1 replica of the Central Perk coffee shop. Comedy Central will do it.

    27. Everybody Loves Raymond, 594 times
    C4
    Last Year: 19th, 733 times

    Of course, nobody loves Raymond more than the Channel Four schedulers.

    Rachel Riley in front of the Countdown numbers board

    26. Countdown, 600 times
    C4
    Last Year: 30th, 496 times

    If you ever needed evidence that Countdown is a show that Does Things Properly, the episode counts I’ve just looked up suggest there have been a total of 8,645 editions of the regular series, and just 24 editions of Celebrity Countdown. It’s the anti-Catchphrase! Which makes it even more of a shame I’d never stand a chance of winning an episode of the former.

    25. Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 613 times
    E4
    Last Year: 7th, 1148 times

    Brooklyn’s finest provided enjoyable daytime filler for much of the year on E4, despite only appearing once outside of morning or early afternoon slots.

    24. The Goldbergs, 629 times
    E4
    Last Year: 28th, 548 times

    Ditto The Goldbergs, which appeared most frequently in overnight slots. Hey, it all counts though. As long as it’s not Unwind With ITV, I’m not including screensavers in here.

    23. Magnum, P.I., 646 times
    ITV4
    Last Year: 61st, 266 times

    Pleasingly, Maggers seems to have been scheduled most frequently in either breakfast slots or after-school slots, heavily suggesting it’s a series much beloved of schoolchildren. The kids are alright, after all.

    22. Kojak, 651 times
    ITV4
    Last Year: 40th, 364 times

    Who loves ya, baby? Another ITV4 lynchpin, and another series where I’d love to know the age range demographics for these screenings.

    21. Pip & Posy, 696 times
    C5
    Last Year: 34th, 425 times

    Channel Five try to thwart me by having some billings of this using ‘and’, and some using an ampersand. But I’m too wily for them.

    A row of Deal or No Deal contestants

    20. Deal or No Deal, 726 times
    ITV1 x 158, ITV2 x 568
    Last Year: 89th, 228 times

    After a (relatively) modest launch in 2024, a Mulhern-led Deal or No Deal was back in a Big Way in 2025. Poor Tipping Point, it never stood a chance. That’s at number 104 on the list, if you’re wondering, with a mere 183 airings in 2025.

    19. American Dad!, 735 times
    ITV2
    Last Year: 18th, 747 times

    Perhaps not quite as ubiquitous as it had been in previous years, the Smiths are still a handy go to for ITV2.

    18. Gogglebox, 761 times
    C4 x 141, E4 x 620
    Last Year: 20th, 708 times

    Still a huge number of people watching people watching telly. In a world where Twitch produces a conveyor beltful of six-figure salary gamers, I really should have predicted this would be a hit.

    17. PAW Patrol, 794 times
    C5
    Last Year: 16th, 831 times

    After a clutch of ITV4 and E4 shows, how about a refreshing slurp of Milkshake? The continued success of Fireman Sam But With Dogs sees Chase and company zoom into seventeenth place.

    16. Young Sheldon, 824 times
    E4
    Last Year: 17th, 749 times

    A surprisingly high placing for the Big Bang spin-off, bolstered by being superglued to the 9am and 9.30am slot on E4’s schedule for much of the year.

    15. Family Guy, 876 times
    ITV2
    Last Year: 12th, 994 times

    Despite the adventures of the Griffin family long having gone off the boil – we’re not about to get a South Park-style renaissance any time soon, one suspects – this is probably still the ultimate late night “oh well, there’s nothing else on” option.

    Sam and Eli from Emmerdale

    14. Classic Emmerdale, 967 times
    ITV3
    Last Year: 10th, 1000 times

    13. Classic Coronation Street, 970 times
    ITV3
    Last Year: 11th, 998 times

    Classic-era soaps continue to do business for ITV3 – if you’re wondering, Corrie is up to the Hayley & Roy era, while the ‘Dale is operating in a spell where “Sam decides to tell the police about Eli running the drugs operation” is in an episode summary. Personally, I’m just waiting for the two programmes to get up to the present day so ITV3 can switch to what we all really want, Classic Albion Market.

    12. Heartbeat, 1004 times
    ITV3
    Last Year: 15th, 927 times

    While a great many of the programmes on this rundown are operating as filler in off-peak hours, Heartbeat makes most of its appearances in teatime slots. Now, that’s not particularly interesting, but neither is Heartbeat. Now, if there were repeats of Hart Beat, then I’d be interested.

    11. Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, 1049 times
    C4 x 324, E4 x 725
    Last Year: 8th, 1025 times

    The perennial appeal of Seeing Someone Else Get A Bollocking remains strong, I see.

    10. 24 Hours in A&E, 1134 times
    C4 x 93, More4 x 1041
    Last Year: 9th, 1021 times

    Having spent ten hours in a children’s A&E one day this year (and if any small children are reading this, a reminder that Hungry Hippo marbles should NOT be swallowed), I feel secure in saying it’s something best experienced on the telly.

    The cast of Cheers, smiling for a group photo

    9. Cheers, 1188 times
    C4
    Last Year: 26th, 555 times

    One of the all-time great US sitcoms, and one to very much file under “watch while eating your cornflakes if you’ve got a day off”.

    (Essential reading: Joel Morris’ Substack post tracking down all the original photos and illustrations from the Cheers title sequence.)

    8. A Place in the Sun, 1209 times
    C4 x 404, More4 x 805
    Last Year: 14th, 930 times

    TOP TIP: with the cost of living crisis showing no sign of abating, save money on expensive foreign holidays by simply sitting inches away from the TV screen while watching this.

    7. Modern Family, 1377 times
    E4
    Last Year: 5th, 1786 times

    As I said last year: “The viewers look unhappy.” “Shovel on more episodes of Modern Family.” But not quite as frequently this year.

    6. Frasier, 1434 times
    C4
    Last Year: 6th, 1485 times

    Still reliably funny, and guaranteed NO risk of being distracted by Rodney Trotter showing up.

    5. Come Dine with Me, 1631 times
    C4 x 211, More4 x 1420
    Last Year: 3rd, 2199 times

    The Bickering Olympics continues to enthral many, it seems.

    Peppa and George Pig look at a video on their computer, while Mum looks concerned

    4. Peppa Pig, 2038 times
    C5
    Last Year: 4th, 2194 times

    Still in fourth place, Peppa and family are still as popular as ever.

    3. Four in a Bed, 2655 times
    C4 x 605, More4 x 2050
    Last Year: 2nd, 2337 times

    The Bickering Commonwealth Games continues to enthral many, it seems.

    2. The Simpsons, 2995 times
    C4 x 712, E4 x 2283
    Last Year: 13th, 962 times

    Last December, the news broke that daily weeknight broadcasts of The Simpsons would be moving from Channel 4 to E4, along with a selection of episodes being made available on Channel 4’s streaming platform. Any suspicions that the channel were washing their hands of Springfield’s first family were clearly unfounded – it would end up being broadcast more than three times as often in 2025 than it had the previous year. And that includes over 700 times on Channel 4 itself.

    The cast of The Big Bang Theory sat in the Big Bang Theory set

    1. The Big Bang Theory, 3147 times
    E4
    Last Year: 1st, 3216 times

    When I started compiling these figures, back in early December, it looked like The Big Bang Theory was about to be knocked off the top spot. By the end of November, the Simpsons had sneaked ahead of it, airing 2,765 times to Big Bang’s 2,615. And then, in December E4 decided to air Big Bang Theory an average of 17.2 times per day, which put it on top at the end of the year. Presumably the tape got stuck in the machine or something, but in any case there it is – The Big Bang Theory is the most frequently-shown programme on British television in 2025.

    [UPDATE: Again, thanks to Ste Gordon on BlueSky for pointing this out, along with Milly Storrington in the comments, but E4 lose the rights to Big Bang at the end of December, hence them shovelling as many episodes as they can into the December schedules. Which – as I’m not including its new home TLC in next year’s rundown – means a new number one next year. Ooh, the excitement.]

    –

    Hang the hell on. What happens if you take all the E4s and ITV3s out of the running? What would be the most commonly spotted series’ if you restrict the list to the proper main channels?

    Well, given the lack of variety in the above, that was going to be my original plan for this year’s list. But then I thought it would be interesting to compare everything to last year’s rundown, and that had included all the above channels, so I replicated last year’s format. However, I do have all that information to hand, so here’s a rundown if we’re keeping things to just BBC1, BBC2, ITV1, C4 and C5:

    1. Peppa Pig, 2038 times | C5
    2. Frasier, 1434 times | C4
    3. Cheers, 1188 times | C4
    4. PAW Patrol, 794 times | C5
    5. The Simpsons, 712 times | C4
    6. Four in a Bed, 605 times | C4
    7. Countdown, 600 times | C4
    8. Everybody Loves Raymond, 594 times | C4
    9. Friends, 505 times | C5
    10. The King of Queens, 487 times | C4
    11. Pip & Posy, 416 times | C5
    12. A Place in the Sun, 404 times | C4
    13. Bargain Hunt, 400 times | BBC1 x 318, BBC2 x 82
    14. Fireman Sam, 383 times | C5
    15. Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom, 369 times | C5
    16. The Adventures of Paddington, 364 times | C5
    17. Homes Under the Hammer, 344 times | BBC1 x 293, BBC2 x 51
    18. Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, 324 times | C4
    19. Escape to the Country, 315 times | BBC1 x 266, BBC2 x 49
    20. Flog It!, 283 times | BBC2
    21. The Chase, 270 times | ITV1
    22. Milo, 267 times | C5
    23. This Morning, 259 times | ITV1
    24. Lorraine, 259 times | ITV1
    25. Jeremy Vine, 258 times | C5
    26. Richard Osman’s House of Games, 257 times | BBC2
    27. Odo, 257 times | C5
    28. Tweedy & Fluff, 254 times | C5
    29. Storm Huntley, 254 times | C5
    30. Emmerdale, 250 times | ITV1
    31. Newsnight, 245 times | BBC2
    32. Home and Away, 237 times | C5
    33. Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go, 236 times | C5
    34. Pointless, 234 times | BBC1 x 231, BBC2 x 3
    35. Bargain-Loving Brits in the Sun, 231 times | C5
    36. Loose Women, 230 times | ITV1
    37. Pip and Posy, 224 times | C5
    38. The One Show, 223 times | BBC1 x 222, BBC2 x 1
    39. Milkshake! Story Den, 222 times | C5
    40. EastEnders, 211 times | BBC1 x 206, BBC2 x 5
    41. Come Dine with Me, 211 times | C4
    42. Morning Live, 197 times | BBC1
    43. Tipping Point, 183 times | ITV1
    44. Rubble And Crew, 182 times | C5
    45. Impossible, 180 times | BBC2
    46. Mixmups, 178 times | C5
    47. Find It, Fix It, Flog It, 177 times | C4
    48. Oggy Oggy, 172 times | C5
    49. Tim Rex In Space, 171 times | C5
    50. Lingo, 169 times | ITV1

    There you go. Okay, onto the promises I’d made at the start of the rundown. First up, those nine films shown on four different channels throughout 2025:

    [EDIT 31/12/25: Play counts corrected to account for films on ITV2 and ITV4 being split in two by FYI Daily, thanks to commentgoer ghostvf for pointing this out]

    That last one is a bit of a surprise, isn’t it?

    As for the four programmes broadcast on all four BBC channels this year:

    The four programmes shown on BBCs One to Four this year: EastEnders, Glastonbury, Doctor Who and Athletics: Diamond League

    Lastly, there was one much loved programme title that aired on five different channels, but in different guises this year. That was…Dad’s Army. The series itself appeared on BBCs Two and Four, the 2016 film remake appeared on ITV1 in January, while the original 1971 film version aired on More4 in January, plus on Channel 4 on 28 December.

    Hey, that’s the day I’m posting this blog update. I don’t just throw this together, you know. (Okay, I totally do.)

    Film poster for the 2016 Dad's Army film remake.

    See you in 2026!

    , ,

  • So, What TV Programmes Appear Most Often on Christmas Eve?

    Merry Excelmas!

    Here’s a quick post I thought of doing after exploring all the televisual fare on Christmas Eve this year, and wondering: are there any true mainstays on Christmas Eve BBC television? The big day itself has the regulars: The Queen, Top of the Pops, ‘stEnders. But the precursor to the big day? That’s not remotely as peppered with usual suspects. OR IS IT?

    Obviously, I had to take a look. And there are some surprises in there.

    Firstly, here’s a rundown that just combines listings for BBC1 and BBC2:

    List of programmes: Carols from King's 39 Midnight Mass 19 Jackanory 17 Blue Peter 16 Tom and Jerry 13 University Challenge 11 Dad's Army 11 TOTP2 10 The Old Grey Whistle Test 9 A Christmas Carol 9 The Santa Clause 7 The Vicar of Dibley 7 The Chronicles of Narnia 7 Not Going Out 7 Playdays 7 Midnight Mass of the Nativity 7 Porridge 7 Arthur 7 White Christmas 6 The Magic Roundabout 6 Songs of Praise 6 Steptoe and Son 6 Shrek the Halls 6 Pingu 6 Laurel and Hardy 6 Match of the Day 6 Only Fools and Horses 6 Jim'II Fix It 6 Joy to the World 6 Have I Got News for You 6 Arena 6 Christmas Midnight Mass 6 A Ghost Story for Christmas 6 Amahl and the Night Visitors 6 Christmas Carols 6

    Several surprises, there. Not least Shrek the Halls being as much a Christmas Eve fixture as Songs of Praise. Or University Challenge being shown more often than Midnight Mass of the Nativity (though in fairness, that’s because the latter has been broadcast under a few different billing titles).

    What if we add BBCs Choice, Knowledge, Three and Four into the mix? Because we all remember huddling around the fire to watch Lenny Beige’s Variety Pack as children, don’t we? Well, here you go:

    List of programmes as follows: Carols from King's shown 41 times Top of the Pops 25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 19 Midnight Mass 19 Jackanory 18 Blue Peter 16 American Dad! 14 Tom and Jerry 13 TOTP2 12 Little Britain 12 University Challenge 11 Gavin & Stacey 11 Dad's Army 11 Porridge 10 The Old Grey Whistle Test 9 Arena 9 A Christmas Carol 9 A Ghost Story for Christmas 9 Spanish Fix 8 The Vicar of Dibley 7 The Santa Clause 7 Steptoe and Son 7 The Chronicles of Narnia 7 Not Going Out 7 Shrek the Halls 7 Playdays 7 Most Annoying Pop Songs We Hate to Love 7 Masterworks 7 Midnight Mass of the Nativity 7 Arthur 7

    There it is. The Chronicles of Narnia and Most Annoying Pop Songs We Love to Hate, together at last. And Two Pints of Lager right near the top of the tree, but then that could apply for any calendar date given how often BBC Three throw it on.

    Merry Christmas, everyone! Back soon with an end of year rundown. Two updates in one year? I’m spoiling you.

    , , ,

  • The Most-Shown TV Shows of 2024 and It’s Slightly Different but Also Still The Most-Shown TV Shows of 2024

    The Most-Shown TV Shows of 2024 and It’s Slightly Different but Also Still The Most-Shown TV Shows of 2024

    Following this update the other day, of the most-broadcast TV shows of 2024, I felt compelled to consider programmes only broadcast on the ‘main’ traditional channels. So, without any additional commentary, here’s a similar list, but only looking at programmes broadcast on BBC One, BBC Two, ITV1, Channel 4 and Channel 5.

    PosProgrammeAiringsNetworkEpisodes per Day
    203rd Rock From the Sun292 timesC40.978
    19Flog It!302 timesBBC20.978
    18Escape to the Country313 timesBBC1 x 255, BBC2 x 580.986
    17Homes Under the Hammer333 timesBBC1 x 271, BBC2 x 620.992
    16A Place in the Sun353 timesC40.995
    15The Adventures of Paddington363 timesC51.038
    14The King of Queens364 timesC41.049
    13Come Dine with Me384 timesC41.104
    12Friends404 timesC51.107
    11Bargain Hunt405 timesBBC1 x 307, BBC2 x 981.161
    10Pip & Posy425 timesC51.303
    9Fireman Sam477 timesC51.355
    8Countdown496 timesC41.454
    7Four in a Bed532 timesC41.516
    6Cheers555 timesC41.781
    5Everybody Loves Raymond733 timesC42.003
    4PAW Patrol831 timesC52.27
    3The Simpsons962 timesC42.366
    2Frasier1485 timesC42.628
    1Peppa Pig2194 timesC54.057

    Merry Winterval, everyone! Hope you’re not getting an Everybody Loves Raymond box set for Christmas!

    ,

  • The Most 50 TV Shows of 2024

    The Most 50 TV Shows of 2024

    Yes, that’s not a typo. Or at least, not an accidental one.

    Lots of newspapers, magazines and websites are currently parading their list of The 50 Best TV Shows of 2024 (spoiler: you haven’t heard of at least 25 of them, and won’t have watched at least 40 of them). But sod the quality, we’re going to focus on quantity. The programmes you won’t need to subscribe to sixteen different streaming services to be aware of. The shows where, providing you own a television and a face, the two will have collided at least once during 2024.

    What if some idiot had pulled an entire year of TV listings for main channels? And then generated a list to see which programmes have been pumped out into the digital jungle most frequently? And made a reverse-order list of the fifty most oft-spotted shows? What then, eh?

    Hi, I’m that idiot.

    So, here we go. If nothing else, I can promise you:

    • It’ll be an end of year list of TV programmes where you’ve probably heard of them all.
    • We’ll learn which are the most uninspired of all the main UK TV channels.
    • Confirmation that, if broadcast TV is dying, the cause of death is definitely going to be drowning.

    Quick set of ground rules: I’m not including news, weather, teleshopping, Unwind with ITV, overnight gambling filler or pseudo-programmes like FYI Daily that purely exist to exploit ad-minutes-per-hour loopholes. I’m only looking at the main entertainment channels available on Freeview (BBC One, BBC Two, BBC Three, BBC Four, ITV1, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, C4, E4, More4 and Five). There may very well be some omissions that have slipped through my datanet, but not too many.

    Okay. On with the show(s).

    –

    1. Flog It!, 302 times
      BBC2
      0.825 episodes per day

    Flog It! To Death, more like.

    1. A New Life in the Sun, 304 times
      C4 x 114, More4 x 190
      0.831 episodes per day

    A companion to a series we’ll definitely be seeing later in the list.

    1. Looney Tunes Cartoons, 304 times
      ITV2
      0.831 episodes per day

    Not the classic old Warner Bros cartoons of yore (many of which went out under the culturally memory-holed Merrie Melodies banner), but the HBO-funded and HBO-ignored modern versions. Which, as far as I’ve seen, are very good. But not good enough to have me putting the telly on at 6:50am each morning.

    1. Escape to the Country, 313 times
      BBC1 x 255, BBC2 x 58
      0.855 episodes per day

    The comforting feeling of following the journey of people who bought houses in London for 3/6 in the sixties, and as a result can now afford to buy Somerset.

    1. Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, 320 times
      BBC2 x 1, BBC3 x 319
      0.874 episodes per day

    Yep, with the back-on-actual-telly Three coming with the stated mission of serving modern-day 16 to 34-year-olds, the most common sight on the channel is a programme that started 23 years ago. So, it probably satisfies any remit the channel has for historical content. Airing as often as eight times per night. Eight times!

    1. Food Unwrapped, 325 times
      C4 x 32, More4 x 293
      0.888 episodes per day

    One can’t help but feel this food-based consumer series should’ve kept the title of the Dutch original. Keuringsdienst van Waarde practically rolls off the tongue.

    1. Homes Under the Hammer, 333 times
      BBC1 x 271, BBC2 x 62
      0.91 episodes per day

    As mentioned previously, the practice of property developers buying up repossessed homes to remodel and resell for a fast buck is a pretty distasteful idea for a TV series. But also, a very popular one.

    1. Car S.O.S, 362 times
      C4 x 87, More4 x 275
      0.989 episodes per day

    Rebroadcast episodes of the Nat Geo series are proving suitable filler fodder for tea-time More, with episodes also featuring on lunchtime Channel Four. Most interesting to me is that one of the presenters is Fuzz Townshend from Pop Will Eat Itself, which must surely have led to a #CarPoppies hashtag on the socials. “Not Now James May, We’re Busy” etc.

    1. The Adventures of Paddington, 363 times
      C5
      0.992 episodes per day

    Also known as: The Animated Adventures of Modern Britain’s Angel of Death.

    1. Kojak, 364 times
      ITV4
      0.995 episodes per day

    Nominative determinism klaxons abound, as more than 50 years since his most famous character debuted, Telly Savalas is still never off the damn thing.

    1. The King of Queens, 364 times
      C4
      0.995 episodes per day

    The mid-table US network sitcom makes the list, albeit mainly as support act to the Simpsons-Frasier-3rd Rock triumvirate of breakfast A-listers on the fourth channel.

    1. Top of the Pops, 377 times
      BBC2 x 2, BBC4 x 375
      1.03 episodes per day

    Giving a BlueSky-toting Gen X a reason to watch live broadcast television each Friday night? Even if it’s thirty-year old repeats, the opportunity to join the pile-in on Robson, Jerome and Nicky Campbell is just tantalising enough to keep the licence fee payments coming from over-forties.

    1. First Dates, 381 times
      C4 x 55, E4 x 326
      1.041 episodes per day

    Letting the viewer act as unseen third wheel in this long-running dating series is a quirk that keeps drawing an audience. It even enjoyed a Reeves and Mortimer spoof, albeit in the (admit it) below par BBC Four Vic and Bob’s Big Night Out.

    1. The Royal, 389 times
      ITV3
      1.063 episodes per day

    The Jive Bunny version of Casualty – it’s not just there to provide fodder for TV Burp.

    1. Friends, 404 times
      C5
      1.104 episodes per day

    They’ll be there for you, until a time where the show suddenly becomes unprofitable. Which isn’t happening any time soon.

    1. Bargain Hunt, 405 times
      BBC1 x 307, BBC2 x 98
      1.107 episodes per day

    Another entry from BBC One’s stable of daytime perennials. Bring back Open Air, you cowards!

    1. Pip & Posy, 425 times
      C5
      1.161 episodes per day

    This list is going to contain more Milkshake than a vessel hurled at Nigel Farage, isn’t it? This adaptation of Axel Scheffler’s book series proving to be an integral part of Five’s pre-school strand on all seven days of the week.

    1. Bob’s Burgers, 448 times
      ITV2
      1.224 episodes per day

    Still the strongest string in Fox’s Sunday evening animated comedy line-up over there, even if 2024 saw it removed from ITV2’s primetime line-up and relegated to the midnight hour. Still, it was lovely to see The Bob Burgers Movie getting a teatime airing over the summer.

    1. Fireman Sam, 477 times
      C5
      1.303 episodes per day

    Sam Tân for viewers west of Offa’s Dyke, of course. It’s incredible that this has been running in various guises since 1987, generating over 300 episodes along the way. Less credible that Norman Price is still getting away with his nonsense. Bet he wouldn’t be so cocky if the Sam/Fire Engine Transformer that you can find in branches of Home Bargains were to feature in the programme.

    1. Find It, Fix It, Flog It, 479 times
      C4 x 189, More4 x 290
      1.309 episodes per day

    Commission it, film it, repeat it, more like. It’s The Repair Shop but with a profit and loss margin.

    1. Countdown, 496 times
      C4
      1.355 episodes per day

    Astonishing that this is still going strong, and still providing surprises along the way. Mainly when you look at the list of former presenters. Anne Robinson? Really? Wow. Forgot that.

    1. Mr Bean, 539 times
      ITV2 x 471, ITV4 x 68
      1.473 episodes per day

    The total for ITV2 broadcasts of the animated spin-off bolstered by ITV4 repeats of Live Action Bean, granted. But I’m not doing the spreadsheet again.

    1. The Goldbergs, 548 times
      E4
      1.497 episodes per day

    Fulfilling E4’s public service remit of showing a billion episodes of an American sitcom most people have never heard of, the antics of the titular 1980s Philadelphia family have happily filled many a mid-afternoon hour throughout the year.

    1. Agatha Christie’s Poirot, 549 times
      ITV3
      1.5 episodes per day

    Twirly-‘tached crime-confounding capers are pretty much ITV3’s comfort blanket, so it’s little surprise to see a surfeit of Suchet here.

    1. Cheers, 555 times
      C4
      1.516 episodes per day

    Normally, when a channel gives up on something big, it’ll spend about a decade and untold millions trying to find something else to fill the gap. In the case of Four’s quest to find a popular successor to The Big Breakfast, the stopgap solution of flinging on American Sitcom Repeats until something better than RI:SE came along proved to be the canniest move the station would make this century.

    1. Minder, 592 times
      ITV4
      1.617 episodes per day

    “Why don’t you just… Not go home? She’d be over the moon.”
    “That is very wounding, Terrence. Wounding and ungrateful.”

    1. Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records, 615 times
      ITV2
      1.68 episodes per day

    Ah, the 1980s scheduling staple of flinging on World Records footage to fill a half-hour or two is still going strong, though it really needs David Frost in NTSC for the full effect. And nobody has noticed that it’s putting a programme title that’s plugging alcohol in a kids’ slot, just after Scooby-Doo. Oh, you might disagree, but nobody would pick the suffix ‘Publishing’ if Guinness came up in a word association test.

    1. Dress to Impress, 656 times
      ITV2
      1.792 episodes per day

    A teatime staple for people who – somehow – avoid the whole teatime Pointless versus The Chase quandary. Basically people who heard about the Blur vs Oasis battle of the charts, and bought Everybody by Clock instead.

    1. Teen Titans Go!, 671 times
      ITV2
      1.833 episodes per day

    As far as superheroes go, here’s the Justice League’s Under-21 side, with ITV2 broadcasting every minute of their Bristol Street Motors Trophy group stage matches.

    1. Hollyoaks, 690 times
      E4
      1.885 episodes per day

    This is never going to end and when E4 finally get sick of it, it’ll just reappear on 4-Tel or something.

    1. Gogglebox, 708 times
      C4 x 173, E4 x 535
      1.934 episodes per day

    Gogglebox is nothing more than a less good remake of ParamountText’s Mailbox pages. Change my mind. (I really do stand by my original dismissal that it’s nothing more than a crowdsourced TV Burp.)

    1. Everybody Loves Raymond, 733 times
      C4
      2.003 episodes per day

    Channel Four certainly love Raymond, especially in a weekday early morning slot. It would’ve cost them a fortune to repurchase Lock-keeper Cottages for an ill-advised BB reboot, in fairness. Though one can’t help suspect that Chris Evans would now be a lot more willing to get involved.

    1. American Dad!, 747 times
      ITV2
      2.041 episodes per day

    One of the best jokes in American Dad! was Francine’s “No wonder the doctors in Scrubs don’t find time to be funny”. Mind you, that was a long time ago – don’t think it could afford to be that cocky nowadays. BONUS FACT: October 2025 will mark the 20th anniversary of American Dad debuting on BBC Two.

    1. Young Sheldon, 749 times
      E4
      2.046 episodes per day

    I don’t even like Old Sheldon tbh.

    1. Paw Patrol, 831 times
      C5
      2.27 episodes per day

    The cartoon canines show little sign of stopping. Rubble has even landed his own spin-off series, which makes him the Frasier of Adventure Bay.

    1. Heartbeat, 927 times
      ITV3
      2.533 episodes per day

    “Nick Berry had talent in a previous life
    Nick Berry had talent in a previous life
    Nick Berry had talent in a previous life
    Nick Berry had it all” – Mclusky, Random Celebrity Insult Generator.

    A bit harsh, lads. He was in The Box of Delights on BBC Four just the other day. They don’t cast just anyone as ‘Pirate Rat’.

    1. A Place in the Sun, 930 times
      C4 x 353, More4 x 577
      2.541 episodes per day

    [Adjusts Rory Bremner glasses while speaking in a Trevor MacDonald voice] Well, with old Keir Starmers stopping winter fuel payments, seeing coverage of people buying second homes in Gran Canaria will be the cheapest way pensioners can try to at least feel warm. [Pause for applause.]

    1. The Simpsons, 962 times
      C4
      2.628 episodes per day

    A cultural totem that completely transformed animated comedy it might be, but this week’s news that Four are going to shunt The Simpsons from a teatime slot on their main channel over to E4 means that Springfield now simply has to become a twin town of Chester.

    1. Family Guy, 994 times
      ITV2
      2.716 episodes per day

    Meanwhile, here’s the show that will forever be in the Simpsons’ shadow. Not as popular as it used to be, I’ll wager, but it seems certain that ITV would fly into a panic if someone else lost the rights. BBC Three would make a desperate bid for this if the master tapes of Two Pints of Lager ever snapped.

    1. Classic Coronation Street, 998 times
      ITV3
      2.727 episodes per day

    Followed by…

    1. Classic Emmerdale, 1000 times
      ITV3
      2.732 episodes per day

    A victory lap for ITV’s twin kings of soap. Once they run out, I’m hoping they’ll spin up Albion Market.

    1. 24 Hours in A&E, 1021 times
      C4 x 62, More4 x 959
      2.79 episodes per day

    Well, your nan might be been left there on a stretcher for 17 hours with her shattered hip, but at least More4 had something to show in a Saturday night double-bill all year. So, you know.

    1. Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, 1025 times
      C4 x 228, E4 x 797
      2.801 episodes per day

    It’s really hard to get tired of seeing other people get a bollocking at work, isn’t it? Though, unlike the superior British original version, this has never had a man walking around shouting “BOLLOCKS TO BISTO” through a loudhailer at passers-by.

    1. Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 1148 times
      E4
      3.137 episodes per day

    The endlessly-quotable antics of New York’s fun blue line. A pity the endless cancellations and okay-one-more-seasons left the final episodes wobbling with disinterest towards the finish line, but remember it for all those lofty heights. “All of Planet Earth. With the British narrator.”

    1. Frasier, 1485 times
      C4
      4.057 episodes per day

    Here he is! If you ever want to annoy a fan of Frasier, simply point out that most episodes seem to involve Dr Crane getting handcuffed to a stripper ten minutes before an Important Dinner Party. Because, while that’s not true, that it tells us about Frasier is (etc).

    1. Modern Family, 1786 times
      E4
      4.88 episodes per day

    “The viewers look unhappy.” “Shovel on more episodes of Modern Family.” Showered with praise by the press, there must be something wrong with my telly, which only seems to show episodes where it’s far too busy being pleased with itself to, y’know, be good.

    1. Peppa Pig, 2194 times
      C5
      5.995 episodes per day

    Lovely as it is, imagine being in the part of the multiverse where Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom is the Astley Baker Davies production that took global TV by storm. Nothing against Peppa per se, but Ben and Holly is that bit better. Peppa probably couldn’t get away with having an (unseen) character called Sharon the Totally Insane, for one thing.

    1. Come Dine with Me, 2199 times
      C4 x 384, E4 x 35, More4 x 1780
      6.008 episodes per day

    Plus…

    1. Four in a Bed, 2337 times
      C4 x 532, More4 x 1805
      6.385 episodes per day

    While there were lots (and lots) of bad things about having an overstuffed cartoon scarecrow as Prime Minister for a few years, one that stands out was him appointing Nadine Dorries as Minister of Culture, who was determined to attack Channel Four following their wheeze of putting an ice sculpture in one of the chairs for an election debate. The good people of social media took at arms (well, keyboards) to express their disgust at Dorries wanting to force unpopular changes to the fourth channel, until she scampered back off to her, well, obviously not constituency. And yet… SO much of it is just these two programmes on a seemingly endless loop. S4C makes much more of an effort, and that’s got a budget of 17p and some buttons. What would Murun Buchstansangur say?

    1. The Big Bang Theory, 3216 times
      E4
      8.787 episodes per day

    Remember when E4 was going to be Britain’s answer to HBO? That was the initial plan before it launched, with subscriptions driving previously unimaginable levels of creativity. Where are we at with it in 2024? On 257 calendar days of 2024, E4 showed at least TEN episodes of The Big Bang Theory. The glory days of Skins and Misfits are basically in a whole other era, aren’t they?

    –

    And there we go. Between the fifty, that makes for a total of 39,340 individual TV broadcasts, all of which would require an issue of the Radio Times stretching from Carlisle to Cornwall (okay, no it wouldn’t).

    But all these do tell us a lot about which are the least original TV channels currently kicking about your digibox. Indeed, there’s one channel that one might have expected to feature, but which was wholly absent from the list. Here’s the full breakdown by channel, ranked by ‘number of episodes in that top fifty’:

    E4 – 9,830 broadcasts in the list
    C4 – 6,804
    More4 – 6,169
    ITV2 – 4,906
    C5 – 4,694
    ITV3 – 3,863
    ITV4 – 1,024
    BBC1 – 833
    BBC2 – 523
    BBC4 – 375
    BBC3 – 319
    ITV1 – 0

    That’s right, not a single ITV1 programme made the cut. For the record, the most-spotted programmes that even appeared on that channel were: Celebrity Catchphase (51st place, shown 298 times, 26 on ITV1, 272 on ITV2), Family Fortunes (56th place, shown 272 times, 24 on ITV1, 250 on ITV2) and Midsomer Murders (57th place, shown 272 times, 11 on ITV1, 261 on ITV3). The highest ranking for an ITV1-exclusive show was joint-67th place for This Morning and Lorraine (both shown 260 times). The Chase only made number 78 on the list (shown 249 times). Fair dues.

    So, that’s it for the year. Hopefully, I shall be back on the blog soon. Hopefully with some exciting news. Ooh, the excitement.

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  • The Joint-165th Most-Broadcast Programme on BBC TV (also 200th)

    What? Eh? Weren’t we done with this?

    Okay, the blog has been quieter than planned of late, and that’s because I’ve been stupidly doubling the number of entries in the book version of (now) The 200 Most-Broadcast BBC Programmes Ever (which also throws in full broadcast histories for BBCs Three, Four, Choice and Knowledge because why not?). And, who’d have thunk, writing another hundred programme entries while trying to find something interesting to say about each one isn’t quick. You try and dig up a bunch of hidden knowledge about The O-Zone, I dare you. Despite that, it’s currently at 344 pages. Several of which aren’t about The O-Zone.

    So, what’s going on here then? Well, on writing one such entry, I couldn’t help but notice we’re right on the 55th anniversary of the first time it was ever broadcast on the BBC. And as it’s a really well-known programme, it’d be nice to share the write-up for it. And so, without any further ado, here’s…

    Hang on, not that. This:

    =165. Star Trek

    1969-2007, broadcast 659 times

    BBC1 (329 times, 1969-1985), BBC2 (329 times, 1985-2007), BBC4 (once, 2006)

    The secret of getting a TV hit is getting the timing just right. Get your show on air right when people are going to go gangbusters for it, from Ninja Turtles on BBC1 in 1990, to Ninja Air Fryers on Five in 2023. And I’d say the all-time intergalactic champion of peak-interest scheduling is the BBC scheduling the first episode of Star Trek for 12 July 1969, just four days before the launch of the Apollo 11 mission that would soon see Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stomp about on the moon. Stick that in your air fryer.

    Wasn’t expecting a hit for “space themed air fryer” in all honesty, but there you go.

    Aside: That’s much cleverer scheduling than that of NBC, who’d pseudo-cancelled the underperforming series by shoving season three into the 10pm Friday ‘death slot’, ensuring that ratings would drop further, and the axe could finally be dropped. The last episode of the series set in space, a thing clearly nobody would care about, aired on 3 June 1969. Just a few weeks before the launch of… (checks notes) oh NBC, you idiots.

    Not that the moon landing was the BBC’s real impetus for luring Kirk and Co on British screens. With Doctor Who having been such an instant smash for the Beeb, and the sixth series wrapping up (with the last part of The War Games, detail fans) in late June 1969, a nation was hungry for more Saturday evening sci-fi, so it made perfect sense to bring in the big new American series. And the new series certainly drew a lot of attention.

    The Daily Mail – hardly a publication you’d expect to get excited about aliens invading Britannia’s living rooms – breathlessly hailed the incoming Trek as “the best science-fiction series produced for television”, while the Daily Mirror, who’d first flagged up the forthcoming series back in January that year, highlighted reports of Trek’s “imagination, technical accuracy and attention to detail”. A little later, the Daily Mail’s TV critic Peter Black would hail the series as “the most intelligent and literate of current fictional imports.”

    It’s not going to surprise anyone if I mention that Star Trek was a great big success for BBC1. Within a few months, newspapers could be seen running interviews with Fred Phillips (who, as everyone knows, was The Make-Up Man Who Made Spock’s Ears – “I make them with a rubber cast of Leonard’s real ears”), excited columns about Trek being one of the first programmes to be shown in colour on BBC1 (the day before the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus joined that list – and still six weeks away from the ‘official’ launch of colour on the channel), and plenty of viewer letters (“Now Star Trek has moved to evening viewing, what can we expect next… Dr Who instead of the Wednesday Play?” – K. Barker, Dullardshire).

    While Star Trek (eventually) became a big hit through syndication over in America, the programme’s phaser still continued to stun British audiences through the 1970s and beyond. Between 1970 and 1985, it would air on primetime BBC1 a total of 266 times. During that same period, even Doctor Who only hit primetime BBC1 on 258 occasions.

    I know Tom, mad isn’t it?

    After that, Star Trek became an exclusively BBC2 property, airing on Thursday teatimes throughout 1986 before having a rest until a return to that slot in 1992, offering some companion content for Two’s popular broadcasts of The Next Generation.

    The Starship Enterprise had enough stamina to keep teleporting into the BBC2 schedules all the way until 2007 – though by that point, much as NBC had done to the series back in 1969, it was being relegated to less popular slots. And, as a result, the last episode of The Original Series on a BBC channel was Turnabout Intruder, going out at 2.20am in the wee small hours of Saturday 25 August 2007.

    See also: Star Trek Night (1996) from that year’s August Bank Holiday Monday, to mark 30 years of the series. Presented by Craig Charles (Patrick Stewart would return the favour two years later, when he presented BBC2’s Red Dwarf Night), this included one-off quiz To Boldly Go Where No Quiz Has Gone Before, a documentary where the likes of Stephen Hawking, Roger Penrose and Lawrence Krauss explore how plausible all that Trek tech really was, a compilation of Trek spoofs from TV history, a John Peel retrospective on the musical careers of the Enterprise actors, plus the pilot episode of Star Trek: Voyager. All grouted with tributes by celebrity Trek fans, including Josie Lawrence, Paul Boateng MP, Jonathan Ross, Damien Hirst, Patrick Moore and Camille Paglia.

    Also see also: another Star Trek Night on 16 September 2001, this time marking the (you guessed it) 35th anniversary of the programme. No mere repeat of last time, this time around Jonathan Ross was in the captain’s chair, hosting: a look at how the series became a huge franchise, a behind-the-scenes look at Trek’s SFX, a look at where the show might go next, a repeat of an episode voted “Captain’s Choice”, with a winning episode plucked from the stewardship of Kirk, Picard, Sisko or Janeway.

    SPOILER ALERT: The winning episode was Star Trek: Voyager episode Counterpoint. Recency bias, or a nation forever in love with Captain Kathryn Janeway? You decide.

    Additionally, also see also: Star Trek: The Animated Series (unhelpfully for me, also billed as ‘Star Trek’ in the RT), featuring the voices of the original cast, which aired on BBC1 on Saturday evenings for a spell from 31 August 1974, and within Children’s BBC hours through 1975, 1976 and 1977. It would later reappear on BBC2 during summer holiday mornings in 1995 and Easter holiday mornings in 1996.

    And led to one of the better peak-era Twitter accounts, of course.

    And, seeing as we’re here:

    200. Star Trek: The Next Generation

    1990-2008, broadcast 577 times

    BBC2 (576 times, 1990-2008), BBC4 (once, 2006)

    Some American TV programmes seem designed to be snaffled up by Sky before the BBC can even get the padlock off its chequebook, and if it had arrived just a few years later you can guarantee Star Trek: TNG would have been one of them. As luck would have it, by the time the long-awaited follow-up to Trek was being shopped around in the late 1980s, the BBC were able to pounce (though not before the series debuted in the UK as a retail video premiere, helping Paramount claw back some of that sizeable budget).

    And so, on 26 September 1990, BBC2 viewers were treated to the programme’s movie-length pilot, as the employees of the Enterprise headed for Deneb IV. The programme immediately skyrocketed to the top of the channel’s BARB ratings, and became a fixture on the channel until 1998. Though not exclusively so – from season four onwards, first-run UK rights had been snaffled up by, yep, Sky One. What’s Klingon for “damn you, Murdoch”?

    Okay, back to my desk. More nuggets from the expanded list soon, most likely.

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  • BrokenTV’s Sitcom Swingometer Spectacular FINAL DAY AND CONCLUSION

    BrokenTV’s Sitcom Swingometer Spectacular FINAL DAY AND CONCLUSION

    Well, the exit polls are in.

    By which I mean most people who’d looked at Part One hadn’t returned for subsequent parts, suggesting this idea didn’t really have the legs to run for the entire election cycle.

    Which is fair enough, one thing I’ve learned from writing up several days of AI-generated predictions of How Sitcoms Characters Would Vote in The 2024 General Election is… what pretty much everyone already knew: AI ain’t that clever. It basically seems to explore keywords for a sitcom’s characters, then plump for the Conservatives if a synonym for ‘traditional’ appears, or choose one from Labour, Lib Dem or Green out of a hat for everyone else.

    That said, I’ve got a spreadsheet, and I’m damn well going to wring a bit more data out of it. So, let’s round things off with a load more sitcoms, and see where that gets us. Meaty bits only, listing just the ‘scores’ for each sitcom, and only anything particularly interesting (or daft) from the write ups. Oh, and only using one AI engine (ChatGPT) because life is too short to do it all twice. All followed by a great big scoreboard at the end.

    Ready? Let’s Dimbleby this mother.

    Okay, to keep everything in one place, we’ll revisit the ones that have already been done. If only because it’ll put the new additions into some kind of nonsense context. I mean, Winnie from Early Doors would NEVER vote Conservative. Jean, yes. Phil and Nige, definitely. Nominally in favour of law and order but relentlessly on the take? Nailed on. As for those Toast of London predictions – well, Danny Bear would vote along with Clem Fandango, so that’s wrong. Also: the AI thought Ed Howzer-Black was Toast’s agent. What a digital idiot.

    A couple more BBC sitcom stalwarts added to the electorate in Men Behaving Badly and The Brittas Empire. Would Gary be a bit more Lib Dem? Possibly. And I suspect Gordon Brittas would, too. Colin voting Green is on the money, mind. In other news, good to see that the AI had surprisingly strong opinions on the characters from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared.

    A good mix from One Foot in the Grave, there. Not sure what the tremendously pro-Labour Richard Wilson would make of the AI pinning Victor Meldrew as a Tory, and as it’s strictly the 2024 election we’re looking at here, can’t help but think Patrick would be put off by Ed Davey’s antics over the last week (though Pippa would see little reason to get so het up about it). In less welcome news for the Liberal Democrats, the AI has League of Gentlemen‘s Herr Lipp pinning an orange rosette to his lapel.

    If ever evidence were needed that all AI in bunk, considering for a second that Vince from 15 Storeys High would vote Green is exhibit A. ChatGPT’s write-up claims “he might lean towards the Green Party due to their focus on social justice, environmental issues, and community wellbeing”, which suggests they can only possibly be thinking of his namesake from Erasure.

    For further proof that AI clearly hasn’t watched as many episodes of George & Mildred as it should have, George referred to the Conservative Party as “the one for posh twits” in one episode (unlike the aspirational Mildred, of course). Even more dozily, the AI has Tristram down as “the Ropers’ pretentious and flamboyant neighbour”. He’s about six years old, you monsters!

    Anyway, fun to see that it came up with suggestions for most of the main characters in Hey Duggee. Yes, it counts. If nothing else, it’s funnier than most sitcoms of the last decade. As for those N/A’s for Duggee and Roly – “He might not have political preferences, focusing instead on nurturing the growth and development of the young squirrels” for the former, “[he] might not have strong political leanings, focusing instead on having fun and enjoying life’s adventures” for the latter.

    There’s even an Election Badge episode of Hey Duggee, so I couldn’t not include it. Also: it’s just a superb series.

    Onto the mainly new entries in the list. I reckon Tim from Spaced would check to see if the Pirate Party have a candidate on the ballot before marking his cross. A big showing for Labour in Desmonds (altogether now: “That’s Channel 4 for you”), and I’ve no argument with the predictions for Dear John.

    As for those N/A’s up above: Howard from Ever Decreasing Circles is considered to be “focusing more on his hobbies and avoiding conflict”, Tom Chance (in a Million) would be “focusing more on his unusual adventures and avoiding conflict” (hmm, a pattern developing here. Even though Tom Chance seemed perfectly fine with conflict if you ask me). As for Bread‘s Billy Boswell, he “might not be old enough to vote in the 2024 General Election”. Yet Tag, Betty, Happy and Norrie from Hey Duggee are? Plus the puppets from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared? More likely that Billy Boswell didn’t happen to have any photo ID, eh voter suppression fans?

    Okay, last leg now. A predictable set of results from Torquay’s most notorious hotel, similarly so for the staff and customers are Arkwright’s General Store. Those Last of the Summer Wine figures probably fit in with Yorkshire being a bit of a hotbed for Northern Conservatives (the abstaining Compo would be “focusing more on enjoying life’s simple pleasures and avoiding authority”). I can’t argue with how the AI claims Edward Catflap and Ralph Filthy would vote, while Richie Rich would be “focusing more on his own narcissistic pursuits and desire for fame and fortune”.

    As for those spoiled ballots from Mr Don and Mr George: ChatGPT has it down as “a British children’s television series featuring the characters Mr. Don and Mr. George who run a toy shop”. As a result, “the show primarily focuses on themes of friendship, imagination, and problem-solving rather than political matters. Therefore, it’s unlikely that the characters would have specific political preferences or vote for political parties in the 2024 UK General Election.” But the talking puppet clock from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared would be more than willing to go out and vote. Sure, why not.

    Anyway, onto the final results. How will it end up? Who’ll have their feet up on the desk in Number 10 come the 5th of July?

    A HUNG PARLIAMENT. You read it here first.

    So, one less chart to point your face at. Using the channel each sitcom first appeared on, how do characters on each channel tend to vote? This is incredibly spurious and pointless, of course. Not least as the dataset is hardly packed with ITV sitcoms (though it gets to claim Men Behaving Badly for itself), but there you go.

    And that’s it for a very unpopular series of blog posts. Hooray! Tune in next time for the first of my 76-part aural history of Captain Butler.

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  • The Sitcom General Election/AI: Shit or Not Referendum, Part 4: Nathan Barley, Phoenix Nights and Spaced

    The Sitcom General Election/AI: Shit or Not Referendum, Part 4: Nathan Barley, Phoenix Nights and Spaced

    Given the slightly strange results it’s generated so far, I’ve retitled the series to factor in whether AI will come out of this with any credibility or not. It can’t even get a grip on what it would look like if the October 1974 BBC General Election coverage had been anchored by a cartoon moose.

    WHERE ARE THEIR LEGS? AND THAT’S CGI, I ASKED FOR A HANNA-BARBERA CARTOON MOOSE

    But anyway, onto part four of our gallop through the sitcom polls, and a trio of Channel 4 sitcom characters wander into our theoretical (and AI-assisted) polling booth. Will AI start to redeem itself?

    Nathan Barley

    Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris’ satire of self-obsessed nuMeeja nodes might not be up there with the classic sitcoms from Four, but it has a variety of characters that don’t fit in with standard sitcom tropes. Plus Benedict Cumberbatch was in it (for about twenty seconds). So, how were the Hoxton hacks likely to vote? Over to ChatGPT at the count:

    Nathan Barley: The titular character, Nathan is a vapid and self-obsessed media wannabe. He might vote for the Conservative Party if he sees it as beneficial for his business interests and social status. Alternatively, he could support a trendy, image-focused party like the Liberal Democrats, if they appeal to his sense of being progressive and cool.

    Dan Ashcroft: The disillusioned journalist who sees through the superficiality around him, Dan would likely support the Labour Party. His disdain for the vacuous culture represented by characters like Nathan aligns with Labour’s focus on social justice, equality, and challenging the status quo.

    Claire Ashcroft: Dan’s sister, who is an earnest documentary filmmaker, would probably vote for the Green Party. Her commitment to meaningful, socially-conscious work aligns with the Greens’ emphasis on environmental issues, social justice, and progressive policies.

    Pingu: The tech-savvy but somewhat clueless friend of Nathan, Pingu might support the Liberal Democrats. His tech-centric lifestyle and desire to appear progressive fit with the Lib Dems’ focus on innovation and moderate social policies.

    Jonatton Yeah?: The pretentious editor of the fictional magazine “Sugar Ape,” Jonatton might support the Conservatives, valuing their pro-business stance and focus on individual success. Alternatively, he might vote for whichever party he believes aligns with the latest trends and keeps him in the social limelight, potentially the Liberal Democrats.

    Toby: Another character who thrives on the superficial hipster culture, Toby would likely follow a similar pattern to Nathan Barley. He might vote Conservative if he sees personal gain or lean towards the Liberal Democrats for their trendy, progressive image.

    Personally, I reckon Barley would vote for a new unheard-of single-topic party set up by one of his school chums that ultimately gathers a total of 27 votes, but that’s probably not part of the training data. Anyway, what did CoPilot say?

    Nathan Barley: As the epitome of the self-absorbed, tech-obsessed hipster, Nathan would likely gravitate toward a party that promises to revolutionize the digital landscape. His vote might go to the Greens, who advocate for environmental sustainability and progressive tech policies.

    Dan Ashcroft: The disillusioned journalist and creator of the infamous “Rise of the Idiots” article would probably lean toward Labour. Dan’s disdain for mainstream culture and corporate influence aligns with Labour’s historical focus on social justice and workers’ rights.

    Jonatton Yeah?: The absurdly named editor-in-chief of Sugar Ape magazine would likely vote Conservative. His penchant for superficiality, elitism, and corporate interests mirrors the Tory party’s traditional values.

    Toby: Nathan’s clueless flatmate Toby might not even bother voting. But if he did, it’d be a random choice based on whichever party had the most colourful campaign posters.

    Pingu: Ben Whishaw’s character, Pingu, Nathan’s tech-savvy boy-slave, would likely support the Liberal Democrats. Their focus on civil liberties, individual freedoms, and tech innovation would resonate with him.

    Ned Smanks and Rufus Onslatt: The gormless graphic designers at Sugar Ape would probably vote for the Monster Raving Loony Party or some other fringe group. Their lack of critical thinking and penchant for absurdity aligns with such choices.

    Sasha: The receptionist at Sugar Ape, Sasha, might lean toward the SNP or Plaid Cymru, given her Welsh heritage. She’d prioritize regional interests and cultural identity.

    No idea where that last one has come from, but curious that CoPilot includes Ned Smanks but excludes Chloe Ashcroft, one of the main three characters in the entire series. Tsk. Anyway, what’s next?

    Phoenix Nights

    Garlic bread? Etc. Briefly Britain’s most popular sitcom, currently unavailable on any streaming service but available in charity shops throughout the land. The first series is brilliant, while the second series… well, the Das Boot fruit machine is quite funny. Or was that series one? Anyway, how would they all vote? ChatGPT, over to you:

    Brian Potter: The ambitious and scheming owner of the club, Brian would likely vote Conservative. His entrepreneurial spirit, focus on personal gain, and desire to succeed in business align with the Conservative Party’s pro-business policies.

    Jerry “The Saint” St. Clair: The club’s loyal but often frustrated entertainment manager, Jerry might lean towards the Labour Party. His working-class background and dedication to the community fit well with Labour’s focus on social equality and support for public services.

    Max Bygraves: One half of the club’s bouncer duo, Max might support the Conservative Party, valuing their stance on law and order. His job as a doorman and his no-nonsense attitude align with conservative values on security and stability.

    Paddy O’Shea: The other half of the bouncer duo, Paddy, could lean towards Labour. His more laid-back personality and camaraderie with the club’s patrons suggest a preference for policies that support the working class and community cohesion.

    Les Campbell: The club’s handyman and aspiring DJ, Les might vote for the Liberal Democrats. His practical skills and desire for progress and innovation in his DJ career align with the Lib Dems’ focus on personal freedoms and support for the creative industries.

    Ray Von: The club’s resident DJ and jack-of-all-trades, Ray Von might support the Green Party. His quirky and inventive nature fits with the Greens’ emphasis on environmental sustainability and progressive social policies.

    Young Kenny: The naive and well-meaning club employee, Young Kenny would likely support Labour. His working-class roots and straightforward outlook on life align with Labour’s focus on fairness and social justice.

    Spencer: The club’s enthusiastic but inexperienced young worker, Spencer, might also lean towards Labour. His youthful idealism and aspiration for a better future align with Labour’s promises for social mobility and opportunities for young people.

    Well, it’s doubtful that Max would really vote Tory given his occasional sad lament of “Thatcher’s Britain” is Road to Nowhere, but I can’t blame ChatGPT for not having watched that. Most people wish they hadn’t, either. Over to CoPilot.

    Brian Potter: The club owner and larger-than-life personality. Brian might lean toward the Conservative Party. His entrepreneurial spirit and desire for success align with their values.

    Jerry St. Clair: The flamboyant club compère. Jerry would likely vote for the Liberal Democrats. Their focus on civil liberties and individual rights resonates with his colourful personality.

    Max and Paddy: The bouncers with hearts of gold. Max and Paddy might support Labour. Their working-class background and loyalty to their friends mirror Labour’s historical focus on social justice.

    Ray Von: The dodgy DJ. Ray would probably vote for the Monster Raving Loony Party or some other fringe group. His eccentricity and lack of seriousness align with such choices.

    Den Perry: The rival club owner. Den’s shady dealings and disregard for rules might lead him to vote for Reform UK. Their anti-establishment stance could appeal to him.

    Kenny Senior: Brian’s father and a club regular. Kenny would likely vote for the Greens. His love for nature and concern for the environment align with their policies.

    Holy Mary: The devout Catholic cleaner. Holy Mary might lean toward the Christian Party. Her faith and desire for moral values could guide her choice.

    I’ve checked, and there really is a Christian Party in the UK, so credit to CoPilot for factoring that in. And having Den Perry going for The Nastiest Party seems appropriate. You can imagine him standing in the council elections for them.

    Onto our last programme for today. Get your eyeballs into a Dutch angle, it’s…

    Spaced

    Jess and Simon’s influential sitcom (helped, of course, by Edgar Wright) counts as another ‘youth vote’ piece of polling, so what would the residents of 23 Meteor Street go for? ChatGPT to start:

    Tim Bisley: The laid-back, comic book-loving slacker, Tim would likely support the Green Party. His creative, alternative lifestyle and interest in environmental issues fit well with the Greens’ progressive policies on sustainability and social justice.

    Daisy Steiner: The aspiring writer and free spirit, Daisy might lean towards the Labour Party. Her artistic ambitions, concern for social issues, and working-class background align with Labour’s focus on equality and support for the creative industries.

    Mike Watt: The military enthusiast and Tim’s best friend, Mike would probably vote Conservative. His respect for the military, interest in national security, and traditional values align with the Conservative Party’s stance on defense and order.

    Marsha Klein: The boozy landlady with a complicated personal life, Marsha might support the Liberal Democrats. Her pragmatic approach to life, combined with a desire for personal freedom and a balanced approach to social issues, fits well with the Lib Dems’ centrist policies.

    Brian Topp: The intense and introverted artist, Brian would likely support the Green Party. His commitment to his art and unconventional lifestyle align with the Greens’ emphasis on environmentalism, social justice, and support for the arts.

    Twist Morgan: Daisy’s fashion-obsessed friend, Twist, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats. Her focus on trends, personal freedoms, and moderate approach to politics align with the Lib Dems’ appeal to young, urban professionals.

    Tyres O’Flaherty: The energetic bike courier and party animal, Tyres might support the Green Party, valuing their emphasis on sustainability and progressive social policies, which resonate with his active lifestyle and countercultural attitude.

    A lot of love for the Greens there. Will CoPilot suggest anything different?

    Tim Bisley (played by Simon Pegg): Tim, the aspiring comic book artist, would likely lean toward the Labour Party. His creative spirit and desire for social justice align with their values.

    Daisy Steiner (played by Jessica Stevenson): Daisy, the aspiring writer, might vote for the Green Party. Her idealism and concern for the environment resonate with their policies.

    Marsha Klein (played by Julia Deakin): Marsha, the alcoholic landlady, would probably support the Conservative Party. Her love for wine and desire for stability align with their traditional values.

    Brian Topp (played by Mark Heap): Brian, the angst-ridden artist, could vote for the Liberal Democrats. His artistic sensibilities and desire for change might lead him in that direction.

    Mike Watt (played by Nick Frost): Mike, the military-obsessed friend, would likely back the Reform UK party. His fascination with order and protocol aligns with their anti-establishment stance.

    Twist Morgan (played by Katy Carmichael): Twist, Brian’s love interest, might lean toward the Monster Raving Loony Party. Her quirky personality and unconventional choices fit their profile.

    In short: ‘hmm-face emoji’. The Mike of the time of the series would never go Reform. The Mike of 20+ years later when he’s a bitter middle-aged army reject with two ex-wives, yes – but that’s not what we asked for. Mind you, if ever there’s a sitcom character who’d vote for the Bring Back National Service policy…

    Ah well, here’s a summary of today’s voting.

    And here’s what those votes do to the State of the Parties.

    Blimey, eh? Either AI really doesn’t get a grip on the political undercurrent gurgling away beneath the pavements of Britain, or it’s looking a lot like Starmer’s about to go all Kinnock 1992.

    What will the next update bring? Find out in a couple of days.

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