By which I mean most people who’d looked at Part One hadn’t returned for subsequent parts, suggesting this idea didn’t really have the legs to run for the entire election cycle.
Which is fair enough, one thing I’ve learned from writing up several days of AI-generated predictions of How Sitcoms Characters Would Vote in The 2024 General Election is… what pretty much everyone already knew: AI ain’t that clever. It basically seems to explore keywords for a sitcom’s characters, then plump for the Conservatives if a synonym for ‘traditional’ appears, or choose one from Labour, Lib Dem or Green out of a hat for everyone else.
That said, I’ve got a spreadsheet, and I’m damn well going to wring a bit more data out of it. So, let’s round things off with a load more sitcoms, and see where that gets us. Meaty bits only, listing just the ‘scores’ for each sitcom, and only anything particularly interesting (or daft) from the write ups. Oh, and only using one AI engine (ChatGPT) because life is too short to do it all twice. All followed by a great big scoreboard at the end.
Ready? Let’s Dimbleby this mother.
Okay, to keep everything in one place, we’ll revisit the ones that have already been done. If only because it’ll put the new additions into some kind of nonsense context. I mean, Winnie from Early Doors would NEVER vote Conservative. Jean, yes. Phil and Nige, definitely. Nominally in favour of law and order but relentlessly on the take? Nailed on. As for those Toast of London predictions – well, Danny Bear would vote along with Clem Fandango, so that’s wrong. Also: the AI thought Ed Howzer-Black was Toast’s agent. What a digital idiot.
A couple more BBC sitcom stalwarts added to the electorate in Men Behaving Badly and The Brittas Empire. Would Gary be a bit more Lib Dem? Possibly. And I suspect Gordon Brittas would, too. Colin voting Green is on the money, mind. In other news, good to see that the AI had surprisingly strong opinions on the characters from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared.
A good mix from One Foot in the Grave, there. Not sure what the tremendously pro-Labour Richard Wilson would make of the AI pinning Victor Meldrew as a Tory, and as it’s strictly the 2024 election we’re looking at here, can’t help but think Patrick would be put off by Ed Davey’s antics over the last week (though Pippa would see little reason to get so het up about it). In less welcome news for the Liberal Democrats, the AI has League of Gentlemen‘s Herr Lipp pinning an orange rosette to his lapel.
If ever evidence were needed that all AI in bunk, considering for a second that Vince from 15 Storeys High would vote Green is exhibit A. ChatGPT’s write-up claims “he might lean towards the Green Party due to their focus on social justice, environmental issues, and community wellbeing”, which suggests they can only possibly be thinking of his namesake from Erasure.
For further proof that AI clearly hasn’t watched as many episodes of George & Mildred as it should have, George referred to the Conservative Party as “the one for posh twits” in one episode (unlike the aspirational Mildred, of course). Even more dozily, the AI has Tristram down as “the Ropers’ pretentious and flamboyant neighbour”. He’s about six years old, you monsters!
Anyway, fun to see that it came up with suggestions for most of the main characters in Hey Duggee. Yes, it counts. If nothing else, it’s funnier than most sitcoms of the last decade. As for those N/A’s for Duggee and Roly – “He might not have political preferences, focusing instead on nurturing the growth and development of the young squirrels” for the former, “[he] might not have strong political leanings, focusing instead on having fun and enjoying life’s adventures” for the latter.
There’s even an Election Badge episode of Hey Duggee, so I couldn’t not include it. Also: it’s just a superb series.
Onto the mainly new entries in the list. I reckon Tim from Spaced would check to see if the Pirate Party have a candidate on the ballot before marking his cross. A big showing for Labour in Desmonds (altogether now: “That’s Channel 4 for you”), and I’ve no argument with the predictions for Dear John.
As for those N/A’s up above: Howard from Ever Decreasing Circles is considered to be “focusing more on his hobbies and avoiding conflict”, Tom Chance (in a Million) would be “focusing more on his unusual adventures and avoiding conflict” (hmm, a pattern developing here. Even though Tom Chance seemed perfectly fine with conflict if you ask me). As for Bread‘s Billy Boswell, he “might not be old enough to vote in the 2024 General Election”. Yet Tag, Betty, Happy and Norrie from Hey Duggee are? Plus the puppets from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared? More likely that Billy Boswell didn’t happen to have any photo ID, eh voter suppression fans?
Okay, last leg now. A predictable set of results from Torquay’s most notorious hotel, similarly so for the staff and customers are Arkwright’s General Store. Those Last of the Summer Wine figures probably fit in with Yorkshire being a bit of a hotbed for Northern Conservatives (the abstaining Compo would be “focusing more on enjoying life’s simple pleasures and avoiding authority”). I can’t argue with how the AI claims Edward Catflap and Ralph Filthy would vote, while Richie Rich would be “focusing more on his own narcissistic pursuits and desire for fame and fortune”.
As for those spoiled ballots from Mr Don and Mr George: ChatGPT has it down as “a British children’s television series featuring the characters Mr. Don and Mr. George who run a toy shop”. As a result, “the show primarily focuses on themes of friendship, imagination, and problem-solving rather than political matters. Therefore, it’s unlikely that the characters would have specific political preferences or vote for political parties in the 2024 UK General Election.” But the talking puppet clock from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared would be more than willing to go out and vote. Sure, why not.
Anyway, onto the final results. How will it end up? Who’ll have their feet up on the desk in Number 10 come the 5th of July?
A HUNG PARLIAMENT. You read it here first.
So, one less chart to point your face at. Using the channel each sitcom first appeared on, how do characters on each channel tend to vote? This is incredibly spurious and pointless, of course. Not least as the dataset is hardly packed with ITV sitcoms (though it gets to claim Men Behaving Badly for itself), but there you go.
And that’s it for a very unpopular series of blog posts. Hooray! Tune in next time for the first of my 76-part aural history of Captain Butler.
Welcome back to day three of our ongoing (and, many might argue, entirely pointless) mission to see how Britain’s sitcom characters of fore might vote in the 2024 General Election (whilst offering a rare non-job-stealing chore to ChatGPT and CoPilot).
[RUBS EYES, LOOKS AT BOTTLE OF SCOTCH, LOOKS AT BALLOT SHEET, LOOKS AT BOTTLE OF SCOTCH, THROWS BALLOT SHEET OVER SHOULDER]
Well, here’s a constituency with a larger than average population. But where would the Maplins massive put their respective exes? Over to you, ChatGPT:
“Hi-De-Hi!” is a British sitcom set in the 1950s at the fictional Maplin’s Holiday Camp, featuring a variety of colourful characters among the camp staff. Here’s a speculative guess on how these characters might vote in the 2024 UK General Election:
Jeffrey Fairbrother: The well-educated and somewhat bumbling entertainment manager, Jeffrey would likely support the Liberal Democrats. His academic background and moderate, thoughtful approach align well with the party’s centrist and intellectual appeal.
Ted Bovis: The camp comedian and schemer, Ted would probably vote Conservative. His pragmatic approach to life and entrepreneurial spirit fit with the party’s business-friendly policies.
Spike Dixon: The young, idealistic camp comic, Spike might lean towards Labour. His youthful enthusiasm and concern for fairness and social issues align with Labour’s progressive stance.
Gladys Pugh: The patriotic and traditional Welsh Chief Yellowcoat, Gladys would likely support the Conservative Party. Her traditional values and emphasis on duty and decorum fit well with conservative principles.
Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves: The snobbish ballroom dancing couple, Yvonne and Barry, would almost certainly vote Conservative. Their upper-class pretensions and desire for social status align with the party’s traditional values.
Peggy Ollerenshaw: The ambitious and hard-working chalet maid, Peggy would likely support Labour. Her working-class background and desire for upward mobility align with Labour’s focus on social justice and support for the working class.
Fred Quilley: The former jockey turned riding instructor, Fred might lean towards the Liberal Democrats or Labour. His experiences with the ups and downs of life might make him sympathetic to policies that support social mobility and personal freedom.
Mr. Partridge: The misanthropic Punch and Judy man, Mr. Partridge, might support the Conservative Party, valuing their traditional and perhaps more cynical view of human nature.
Sylvia Garnsey and Betty Whistler: The other Yellowcoats, Sylvia and Betty, might have differing views but could lean towards Labour or the Liberal Democrats. Their roles in the entertainment and service industry align with parties that focus on workers’ rights and social equality.
Right, that’s all them in the computer. Personally, I’d have pegged Ted Bovis as a Labour man, but one who’d immediately switch sides if he ever landed a TV or radio gig. Over to CoPilot:
Ah, the delightful characters from Hi-De-Hi!—a classic British sitcom set in a holiday camp. Let’s imagine how they might cast their votes in the 2024 UK General Election based on their personalities and backgrounds:
Jeffrey Fairbrother (Simon Cadell): As a former professor of archaeology at Cambridge University, Jeffrey might lean toward the Liberal Democrats. Their focus on education and intellectual pursuits could resonate with him.
Ted Bovis (Paul Shane): Ted, the camp host, is a bit of a schemer. He’d probably vote for a party that promises tax breaks or business-friendly policies. In this case, he might lean toward the Conservatives.
Gladys Pugh (Ruth Madoc): Gladys, with her Welsh charm and love for entertainment, could be a fan of the Labour Party. Their emphasis on social welfare and community support aligns with her caring nature.
Spike Dixon (Jeffrey Holland): Spike, the camp comic, is all about making people laugh. He might appreciate the Green Party for their environmental focus and commitment to a better future.
Peggy Ollerenshaw (Su Pollard): Peggy, the chalet maid, dreams of becoming a Yellowcoat. She’d likely vote for a party that champions equal opportunities and social mobility. The Labour Party fits the bill.
Sqdn-Ldr Clive Dempster DFC (David Griffin): Clive, who takes over as the new Entertainments Manager, could be a traditionalist. He might favour the Conservatives due to their historical association with stability and order.
Remember, this is all in good fun, and the characters’ political preferences are purely fictional! 😄 If you want to know the real-world party standings in the 2024 UK General Election, recent polls suggest that the Labour Party is leading, followed by Reform UK, the Liberal Democrats, and the Green Party. However, for our Hi-De-Hi! gang, let’s keep it light-hearted and whimsical!
A lighter sampling of the cast there, but quite interesting that the newly-added disclaimer addendum to the suggestions completely ignores the Conservatives and the SNP, the parties with the first and third largest numbers of MPs in the Commons. Though that likely won’t be the case in a couple of months. Possibly. Long way to go yet. ONTO THE NEXT PROGRAMME.
Red Dwarf
Yep, no reason to discount the boys from the Dwarf yet because they’re marooned in deep space three million years in the future. There’s always postal voting, and a few episodes have shown they’ve been able to travel back in time. So, y’know. Over to you, ChatGPT.
“Red Dwarf,” the British sci-fi sitcom set on the eponymous mining spaceship, features a cast of diverse and eccentric characters. Based on their personalities and backgrounds, here’s a speculative guess on how they might vote in the 2024 UK General Election:
Dave Lister: The laid-back, working-class last human alive, Lister would likely vote for Labour. His background, empathy for the underdog, and desire for a fairer society align with Labour’s focus on social justice and support for the working class.
Arnold Rimmer: The neurotic, status-obsessed hologram, Rimmer would almost certainly vote Conservative. His respect for hierarchy, aspiration for upward mobility, and disdain for what he perceives as laziness fit well with conservative principles.
Cat: The vain and fashion-obsessed humanoid descended from cats, Cat might not be particularly politically engaged. However, if he did vote, he might support the Liberal Democrats for their centrist and balanced approach, focusing on personal freedoms and individualism, which aligns with his self-centred personality.
Kryten: The service-oriented and highly ethical mechanoid, Kryten, would likely support the Green Party. His concern for the well-being of others, environmental awareness, and desire to serve the greater good align with the Green Party’s platform on sustainability and social justice.
Holly: The ship’s computer, Holly, with a sometimes quirky but logical personality, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats. Holly’s focus on logic and practicality fits well with their balanced and rational policies.
Kristine Kochanski: Depending on whether we’re considering the original series’ Kochanski or the alternate reality Kochanski, her vote could differ. The original series’ Kochanski, a competent and ambitious officer, might support Labour, given her practical and down-to-earth nature. The alternate reality Kochanski, who is more polished and sophisticated, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats for their progressive yet balanced stance.
Extra credit for offering responses for both Original Kochanski and Alt Reality Kochanski, there. What say you, CoPilot?
Dave Lister (Craig Charles): Lister, the last human alive, is a laid-back, guitar-playing slob. He’d probably vote for a party that promises a good time and a relaxed approach to life. In this case, he might lean toward the Liberal Democrats—after all, they’re all about freedom and individuality.
Arnold Rimmer (Chris Barrie): Rimmer, the hologram with a massive ego, would likely vote for a party that aligns with his self-importance. Given his penchant for rules and regulations, he might lean toward the Conservatives. Plus, they’re all about maintaining order, just like Rimmer.
The Cat (Danny John-Jules): The Cat, a flamboyant humanoid feline, is all about style, fashion, and looking good. He’d probably vote for a party that appreciates aesthetics and glamour. The Green Party might catch his eye—they’re into eco-friendly fashion, after all.
Kryten (Robert Llewellyn): Kryten, the neurotic android, is all about efficiency, cleanliness, and following protocols. He’d likely vote for a party that prioritizes technology and progress. The Labour Party could be his choice—they’re all about improving living conditions for everyone.
Holly (Norman Lovett): Holly, the senile ship’s computer, might not even remember to vote. But if he did, he’d probably go for a party that promises a good laugh. Let’s say he’d vote for the Monster Raving Loony Party—because why not?
Kristine Kochanski (Alternate Universe): Kochanski, the alternate universe version of the ship’s officer, is smart, resourceful, and practical. She’d likely vote for a party that focuses on science, exploration, and innovation. The Liberal Democrats or even the Green Party could be her picks.
Hmm, Dave Lister voting Lib Dem seems a bit of a stretch. Unless the rationale of it was that he’s desperately trying to impress (Alt Universe) Kochanski, of course. Onto our final programme for today.
The Young Ones
Vegetable rights and peace! Probably fair to say we’ve been ignoring the YOUNG ADULT vote so far, so let’s redress that imbalance a little. But what would the Scumbag students go for? Let’s see. ChatGPT, your starter for ten:
Rick: The self-proclaimed “People’s Poet” and wannabe anarchist, Rick would almost certainly vote for a far-left party. In the context of the 2024 election, he might support the Labour Party, especially if it has a strong socialist wing, or even a more radical left-wing party like the Socialist Workers Party or the Green Party for their progressive policies on social justice and environmental issues.
Vyvyan: The violent and destructive punk medical student, Vyvyan would likely support a party that represents rebellion against the establishment. He might lean towards the Green Party for their radical stance on change, or possibly not vote at all, dismissing the political system entirely.
Neil: The depressed, hippie pacifist, Neil would almost certainly vote for the Green Party. His deep concern for the environment, peace, and social equality aligns perfectly with the Greens’ policies.
Mike: The suave and manipulative “cool person,” Mike might vote for whichever party he believes will benefit him the most personally. Given his opportunistic nature, he could support the Conservatives for their business-friendly policies or potentially the Liberal Democrats if they promise advantageous policies for self-starters and entrepreneurs.
Alexei Sayle’s Characters: Alexei Sayle often played various exaggerated characters in the show, usually with a working-class or extreme left-wing bent. These characters would likely support far-left parties such as the Socialist Workers Party or other radical left groups.
A new addition to the list of parties, there. Not plumping for The Communist Party of Great Britain might seem a bit of a missed open goal regarding the Balowskis, but the SWP is as close as dammit (also the CPoGB dissolved in 1991). Plus, suggesting Rick would go for Starmer-era Labour suggests the data used for the machine learning is a good five years out of date. Anyway, let’s see what CoPilot go for:
Vyvyan Basterd (Adrian Edmondson): Vyvyan, the punk medical student with an appetite for destruction, would probably vote for a party that promises chaos, rebellion, and smashing things. In this case, he might lean toward the Anarchist Party (if such a thing existed).
Rick (Rik Mayall): Rick, the self-styled “People’s Poet” and faux anarchist, would likely vote for a party that champions radical change and poetic justice. He might lean toward the Socialist Party or the Green Party.
Mike (Christopher Ryan): Mike, the serious and bossy cool person, would probably vote for a party that emphasizes stability and pragmatism. The Labour Party or the Liberal Democrats might appeal to him.
Neil (Nigel Planer): Neil, the permanently depressed, lentil-loving hippie, would likely vote for a party that promotes peace, love, and environmental consciousness. The Green Party or even the Peace and Love Party could be his choice.
Skipping the problem of lumping the Balowskis into a single paragraph by just… not mentioning them makes the task a bit easier, I guess. Interesting divergence between the AI systems on this one, and a bit of cred clawed back by CoPilot in suggesting Rick would go for the SWP and that Vyv would vote Anarchist (the closest equivalent probably being the Anarchist Federation, albeit a federation of anarcho-communists rather than a political party). That said, I’ve googled ‘the Peace and Love Party’ and that just brings up a bunch of results for 60s-themed party supplies on Etsy.
So, what are the summaries from today’s polling?
And what does that do to the overall table?
So, good news for the Tories in general, and an update that would see the Green Party rubbing their eyes in disbelief.
What could the next update bring? Time will tell. There are a lot of sitcoms still to account for, after all. Until then: bye.
So, for anyone who missed yesterday’s Part One of this new series, here’s the premise. What would happen if a load of characters from old British sitcoms were allowed to (a) exist in real life, (b) were all still alive today, and (c) decided to cast a vote in the 2024 UK General Election? Well, without tracking down a bunch of original sitcom writers (or, in several cases, holding a seance), there’s no way to accurately know. It being 2024, there is the option of using generative AI to try and work out the answers, but as we all know AI isn’tactuallyas clever as a lot of shareholders would like to think.
Or is it? Maybe it could do a brilliant job at predicting who Private Walker et al would vote for? Or maybe, this kind of grand folly is all AI is actually good for. In any case, that’s what I’m using (using ChatGPT and CoPilot as our ‘polling companies’), and at the end of it all we’ll see which party got the most ‘votes’ in our technological exit poll, and determine just who would go on to lead The Sitcom Government for the next five years.
Yesterday, we looked at Dad’s Army, Hancock’s Half Hour and Are You Being Served?. Three more constituencies today, and here are the results from the first of them:
DROP THE DEAD DONKEY
Another timely offering, the quick-turnaround topical (at the time) events of Globelink News are currently getting an airing on new channel ReplayTV, who I promise I’m not being paid by. Though, y’know, if they want to commission me as Chief Director of Programming, I’m available. Even more interestingly, the entire cast have reunited for a brand new stage show, which I’ve heard good things about.
Of course, being members of the ELITE MEDIA CLASS, they’ll all be dyed-in-the-wool Starmerites, surely? Nobody working in television news could possibly be right-wing, COULD THEY? Anyway, enough with heavy-handed obvious satire. Over to you ChatGPT.
–
“Drop the Dead Donkey,” a satirical British sitcom set in a fictional TV news company, Globelink News, features characters with distinct personalities and backgrounds that could inform their political preferences in the 2024 UK General Election. Here are some speculative guesses:
Gus Hedges: The bureaucratic and management-obsessed Chief Executive, Gus would likely vote Conservative. His focus on corporate management, efficiency, and maintaining the status quo aligns with Conservative policies.
George Dent: The neurotic and often indecisive editor, George might lean towards the Liberal Democrats. His concern for fairness and moderate views would resonate with the Lib Dems’ centrist and balanced approach.
Dave Charnley: The cynical and womanizing reporter, Dave would probably support Labour. His working-class background and disdain for authority and corporate interests align with Labour’s focus on social justice and workers’ rights.
Henry Davenport: The ageing, pompous newsreader with conservative views on social issues would most likely vote Conservative. His traditional values and resistance to change fit well with the party’s platform.
Sally Smedley: The vain and self-absorbed co-anchor, Sally might vote Conservative, valuing their stance on individualism and personal success. Alternatively, she could be drawn to whichever party she perceives as offering the most personal advantage.
Helen Cooper: The intelligent and ambitious assistant editor, Helen would likely support Labour. Her progressive views and focus on social issues such as equality and justice align with Labour’s policies.
Damien Day: The ruthless and sensationalist reporter, Damien might support the Green Party, not out of genuine concern but for the shock value and emerging trends. Alternatively, he could back any party promising radical changes or controversy, including fringe parties.
Joy Merryweather: The sharp-tongued and efficient secretary, Joy might lean towards the Green Party. Her no-nonsense attitude and possible concerns about environmental issues align with Green policies.
The Greens seem to be getting a lot of traction, don’t they? Okay, over to CoPilot:
In the 2024 UK General Election, the Drop the Dead Donkey characters would likely vote based on their individual personalities and beliefs. However, since the show is a fictional comedy, we can only speculate. Let’s take a look at some of the main characters and make some light-hearted assumptions:
Joy (played by Susannah Doyle): Joy might lean toward the Labour Party due to her compassionate and empathetic nature. Labour traditionally focuses on social justice and workers’ rights.
Gus (played by Robert Duncan): Gus, being a Cornishman, could have a strong connection to the environment. He might consider voting for the Green Party, which prioritizes environmental issues.
Helen (played by Ingrid Lacey): Helen, as the office manager, might be practical and pragmatic. She could lean toward the Conservative Party, which often emphasizes economic stability and business interests.
Dave (played by Neil Pearson): Dave, the news editor, might be politically savvy. He could vote strategically to prevent the Tories from winning, possibly supporting the Liberal Democrats or another anti-Conservative party.
George (played by Jeff Rawle): George, the senior reporter, could be a bit rebellious. He might vote for the Reform UK party, which advocates for change and challenges the status quo.
Damien (played by Stephen Tompkinson): Damien, the ambitious reporter, might align with the Conservative Party due to its focus on individual success and meritocracy.
Sally Smedley (played by Victoria Wicks): Sally, the foreign correspondent, could be open-minded and progressive. She might consider voting for the Liberal Democrats or the Green Party.
Well, at least that confirms CoPilot’s training data includes at least one person who hasn’t actually watched an episode of Drop the Dead Donkey. The famously “compassionate and empathetic” Joy, indeed. And I don’t recall anything about Gus bring Cornish. Plus, they forgot about Henry, who’s one of the main characters. Tsk.
Anyway, onto our next show. Fire up the sound of Harvey Danger, it’s…
PEEP SHOW
Over to the ChatGPT jury.
“Peep Show,” a British sitcom known for its dark humour and exploration of the dysfunctional lives of its main characters, provides a rich basis for speculating on their voting preferences in the 2024 UK General Election. Here’s a guess on how the main characters might vote:
Mark Corrigan: Mark, the uptight and conservative loan manager with a love for history and structure, would likely vote Conservative. His appreciation for order, traditional values, and career stability aligns with Conservative policies.
Jeremy “Jez” Usborne: Jez, the laid-back and hedonistic aspiring musician, would probably support the Green Party. His countercultural lifestyle, interest in alternative lifestyles, and occasional flirtations with progressive ideals align with the Greens’ focus on environmental and social justice issues.
Sophie Chapman: Sophie, Mark’s on-and-off girlfriend and colleague, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats. Her middle-of-the-road, pragmatic approach to life and relationships fits well with the Lib Dems’ centrist and moderate positions.
Super Hans: Super Hans, the erratic and drug-addled musician, could be a wildcard. He might support an anti-establishment party like the Greens for their radical policies or even a fringe party that promises upheaval and chaos.
Dobby (Deborah): Dobby, the quirky and geeky IT technician, would likely support Labour. Her progressive views, concern for social issues, and background in the tech industry align with Labour’s emphasis on social justice, public services, and support for workers.
Johnson: Alan Johnson, the confident and career-driven businessman, would almost certainly vote Conservative. His admiration for Thatcherite principles and his focus on success and individualism fit perfectly with Conservative values.
Big Suze: Big Suze, the posh and somewhat naive ex-girlfriend of Jeremy, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats or Conservatives. Her upper-class background and generally apolitical, easy-going nature could fit with either party, depending on her social circle and personal influences.
Nancy: Nancy, the free-spirited American who dates Jeremy, would likely support the Green Party. Her progressive, new-age attitudes and concern for the environment align well with the Greens’ platform.
Hmm. I personally think Mark would be keener to go with Labour, such is the way he seems determined to ‘seem’ right-on, lacking the self-awareness to realise how selfish and self-serving he actually is. Plus, I suspect Nancy wouldn’t have ever got around to registering to vote (though you can guarantee her parents back home will be Republicans). Anyway – with quite a bit of credibility for it to make up – over to CoPilot:
In the 2024 UK General Election, the Peep Show characters’ voting preferences would likely be influenced by their personalities and backgrounds. While we can only speculate, let’s imagine how some of the main characters might vote:
Mark Corrigan: Mark, being a socially awkward and neurotic character, might lean toward the Conservative Party. Their focus on stability and traditional values could resonate with him.
Jeremy “Jez” Usborne: Jez, the laid-back musician, could be more progressive. He might consider voting for the Green Party, which emphasizes environmental issues and social justice.
Sophie Chapman: Sophie, Mark’s love interest, could be practical and level-headed. She might vote for the Liberal Democrats, who often advocate for civil liberties and individual rights.
Super Hans: Super Hans, the wild and unpredictable friend, might not take politics too seriously. He could vote for a fringe party like Reform UK or even joke about writing in his own name.
Johnson: Johnson, the bumbling office manager, might align with the Conservative Party due to his bureaucratic tendencies and desire for order.
Dobby: Dobby, the quirky IT girl, could be socially conscious. She might lean toward the Labour Party, which focuses on equality and social welfare.
A very similar set of choices there, though I can certainly imagine Super Hans going for Reform and misguidedly trying to make out they’re actually the only true liberals on the ballot.
Anyway, onto our last programme:
THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERRIN
ChatGPT didn’t get where it is today by not knowing about Leonard Rossiter’s finest hour:
“The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin” is a British sitcom that follows the life of Reginald Perrin, a middle-aged sales executive who experiences a mid-life crisis and attempts to escape his mundane existence. Here’s a speculative guess on how the main characters might vote in the 2024 UK General Election:
Reginald “Reggie” Perrin: Reggie, the disillusioned and increasingly rebellious protagonist, would likely vote for a party promising significant change. Given his disdain for the corporate world and his existential struggles, he might lean towards the Green Party for their radical environmental and social policies or even a more fringe party like the Liberal Democrats if they promise substantial reform. Alternatively, he could support Labour if they present a strong platform for social justice and anti-establishment sentiments.
Elizabeth Perrin: Reggie’s supportive and understanding wife, Elizabeth, might lean towards the Liberal Democrats. Her calm and reasonable nature aligns with the party’s centrist and balanced approach to politics.
C.J. (Charles Jefferson): Reggie’s pompous and bureaucratic boss, C.J., would almost certainly vote Conservative. His traditional views, emphasis on hierarchy, and conservative approach to business and management fit well with Conservative policies.
Joan Greengross: Reggie’s secretary, Joan, might lean towards Labour. Her working-class background and straightforward demeanor align with Labour’s focus on workers’ rights and social equality.
Tony Webster: Tony, the overly optimistic and somewhat naive colleague, might support the Liberal Democrats. His idealistic nature and desire for progress fit well with their centrist and forward-thinking platform.
David Harris-Jones: The nervous and sycophantic colleague, David, would likely vote Conservative, mirroring C.J.’s preferences. His desire to fit in and avoid conflict would lead him to follow the more traditional and established path.
Doc Morrisey: The eccentric company doctor, Doc Morrisey, could be a wildcard. Given his unconventional methods and quirky personality, he might support the Green Party for their progressive and unconventional approach to politics and healthcare.
Tom and Linda Patterson: Reggie’s daughter and her husband, with their conventional suburban lifestyle, might lean towards the Conservative Party. Their focus on family and stability aligns with Conservative values.
Right. Over to you, CoPilot. Great. Super.
In the 2024 UK General Election, the characters from The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin would likely vote based on their individual personalities and fictional backgrounds. Let’s imagine how some of the main characters might lean:
Reginald “Reggie” Perrin: Reggie, the middle-aged middle manager, might be disillusioned with the pointlessness of his job at Sunshine Desserts. He could lean toward the Reform UK party, which advocates for change and challenges the status quo. However, given his existential crisis, he might also consider voting for a more radical party.
CJ: Reggie’s boorish boss CJ might align with the Conservative Party, emphasizing stability and traditional values. His catchphrase (“I didn’t get where I am today…”) suggests a certain self-interest.
Tony and David: Reggie’s yes-men colleagues Tony (“Great!”) and David (“Super!”) might follow CJ’s lead and vote for the Conservatives as well.
Elizabeth: Reggie’s lovely but colourless wife Elizabeth might lean toward the Liberal Democrats, who often advocate for civil liberties and individual rights.
Linda: Reggie’s annoyingly bouncy daughter Linda could be socially conscious. She might consider voting for the Green Party, which emphasizes environmental issues and social justice.
Joan: Reggie’s weakly smouldering secretary Joan might be pragmatic. She could vote for the party that promises stability and economic growth.
Okay, time to summarise what we’ve seen today:
And, adding these votes to our ongoing table, here how the parties stand after results from six constituencies:
A surprising lurch to the right so far, then – especially as far as CoPilot seems to think – with even Reform outperforming Labour. That could be down to inherent biases within two AI packages, or it could be down to our notional electorate mainly being easily-lampooned subclasses of various societies that don’t really exist any more. Only one way to find out for sure – I’ll keep shovelling data into it.
It’s true. With each franchise famously having “a licence to print money”, many ITV franchise holders decided to diversify. Many of them failed to capture an audience – ATV’s Celebrity SquareCrisps suffered by having the face of Arthur Mullard expensively printed on each individual crisp, and the less said of IBA Engineering Information Porridge the better, but some were more successful. Granada’s Crown Court Family Home Disagreement Trial Kit was a smash during Christmas 1977, while Yorkshire’s controversial Stars on Sunday Ninja Throwing Stars were a must for every schoolkid around the UK, at least until a swift Commons vote ensured they were banned from sale just eight minutes after hitting store shelves.
The most enduring product however was the LWT range of toiletries. Holiday SweepstakesSun Cream, Aquarius Mouthwash and an ahead-of-its-time Police Five Quintuple-Blade Razor Kit were all flying off the shelves of Wavy Line stores around the south-east during the mid-1970s. Most popular of all was the following item, as advertised in a 1976 edition of the TV Times.
Sadly, nothing lasts forever.
The 1979 ITV strike, combined with the looming prospect of more franchise auctions for broadcasting into 1982 and beyond meant that most companies concentrated on their day jobs, and the likes of London Weekend Toothpaste disappeared from shop shelves and the national consciousness.
But I remember. And now you do, too!
Oh, also: That’s how fluoride was spelled in the 1970s. But the Thatcher government covered it up in the 1980s, and made everyone forget. And if you claim it was a mistake on my part, you’re just letting Ghost Thatcher win.
[UPDATE 20 AUGUST: Thanks to commentgoer Seb who adds the following additions. Thanks Seb!
There were a few in the 80s too: Anglia Sweethearts condoms were withdrawn prematurely following a complaint from Central (previously ATV) about the strap line “Shut that door on AIDS”. However, Ales of the Unexpected were popular in many East coast resorts for several years until European regulations decreed that they had to be described as “Semi-fermented mixed grain beverages”.]
YES. Back in the dial-up days of technology, there was Windows 95 and a bit later, there was Windows 98. Groundbreaking at the time, nowadays a curious glimpse into the technological past. People used to survive using a 800×600 resolution? But one of the best things about Windows 95 (and a bit later, Windows 98) was a hitherto unimaginable level of customisation. You could have great big BMP files as your Windows background. You could change icons. You could even change your startup music (and I know, I briefly changed mine to the entirety of Kandy Pop by Bis). And, if you couldn’t be bothered changing all those things by yourself, you could just ‘down’ ‘load’ custom themes someone else had made, using the ‘inter’ ‘net’. For free!*
(*£14.99 per month to an ISP for net access, a further 1p to your ISP for each minute you’re online, and the cost of the phone calls. So, not free. But it was the future.)
When it came to user-made desktop themes, there were lots to pick from if you knew where to look. And, looking at them now, it’s interesting how much of a mid-to-late-90s snapshot they really are. You could find desktop themes based on the cool newmusic acts of the day (and previous days), the latest hip films, the coolest new videogames, and obviously the happening-est US TV series. But you could also get desktop themes inspired by parts of the British TV landscape at the time. Some of them will be wholly expected. Some others, not so much.
Join me now, as I squeeze myself through the fibre pipes of today’s internet and crawl back to a more innocent age. An age of paid-for web browsers, of USRobotics 14400 modems and your mum shouting at you for hogging the phone line. It’s time for Twelve Surprising Windows 95/98 Desktop Themes For British TV Programmes.
An incredibly rare example of an animated British sitcom (for grown-ups) that actually lasted more than a couple of series. A few things were in its favour here. Firstly, it was good (that’s the trick Stressed Eric missed). Secondly, it was based on the Academy Award-winning short film Bob’s Birthday. Thirdly, and possibly most crucially, it was partly a Canadian production, with the latter two of the programme’s four series going as far as to be set in Toronto. In both phases of the show’s run, the premise of the show highlighted the mundane as much as high farce, as the titular twosome coped with topics from dinner party etiquette to a patient dropping dead in Bob’s dentist’s chair.
I’ll grant you, very little of this comes across in this Windows theme.
I’m probably on my own here, but when BBC One – especially early noughties BBC One – goes out of their way to tell you their new drama series is cool, it basically comes across like your mum or dad telling you about this cool new band you really should check out. “Well, now I’m not going to like it on principle.”
That’s how I always felt about this series, which seemed to come with a hastily-applied level of gloss that the content beneath really didn’t deserve. A by-product of those early days of Telly Trying To Be More Like Film, perhaps, or maybe just that everyone seems so bloody smug. Anyway, if you’re less cynical than me, here’s a theme you might like. With it arriving in 2006, well into the Windows XP era upon release, but each to their own.
(Postscript: the BBC Three pseudo-spinoff programme The Real Hustle, where undercover con artists showed common tactics used by real-life scammers, was much better. Even if they really phoned in the content by the end – such as in the episode where Jess goes into PC World with an external hard drive up her sleeve, with which to connect to a laptop’s USB port and ‘steal’ all the software on it. Oh no, that poor 90-day trial of Norton Antivirus, ripped from the teat like that.)
I mean, I’m 99% sure either the upload or the title is wrong on this one, but I can’t discount the possibility all of the above actually happened in one of the later Yes, Prime Minister episodes. A misplaced memo means Bernard has to get involved in a clinical trial of hallucinogenic drugs, perhaps?
Govan’s foremost street philosopher may have sent middle-England scrabbling for their writing sets to inform Anne Robinson that they need to page 888 when watching it, but that definitely didn’t hamper the sitcom’s longevity. Running as a standalone sitcom from 1988 to 2014 (and as a recurring character in sketch comedy Naked Video from 1986), this must surely take the crown of BBC2’s longest-running sitcom from a certain space-based sitcom. Mark the occasion with this background featuring not one, but two screencaps from a .mov clip of the series.
Aardman’s forgotten project. Rex the Runt – along with Big Bob, Wendy and Vince – was a frequent visitor to BBC2 between 1998 and 2001, and with good cause – Rex’s short episodes were packed with winsome whimsy, great gags and captivating cameos (ranging from Bob Holness to Eddie Izzard). I seem to recall they were even used as promotional mascots for Rowntree sweets for a spell. Beyond that, a future of increasingly sporadic repeats on digital channels beckoned, but at least there’s the opportunity to relive the series with this Windows 98 theme.
Granada’s main export. And bravely, the person behind this particular theme held no truck with (then-) modern day Corrie. Snubbing the likes of Bettabuys (or even The Kabin), Nick Tilsley secretly marrying Leanne Battersby or the endless bickering of the McDonald clan, this theme went with the classics: a cat in a nook, and Hilda Ogden guarding the Network Neighbourhood. 10/10, no notes.
This pre-watershed old-age sitcom, where Graham Crowden and (a 48-year old) Stephanie Cole play a pair of elderly residents of a care home, having as much fun as they can before being summoned to the choir invisible, isn’t the most likely to choices for a Windows backdrop. But hey, it was a primetime BBC1 hit that appealed to generations across the age spectrum, so who are we to judge?
One for anyone fitting into both of two categories.
CATEGORY ONE: You like the CBeebies television programme Tweenies.
CATEGORY TWO: You hate your eyes.
As Time Goes By (November 2000)
You can keep your Stargate, your Sliders, your Ally McBeal and your Buffy. If I’m having any TV programme greeting me each time I power up my Gateway Performance 600 it’s the autumnal romantic comedy starring pre-Dame Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. Whose heart wouldn’t soar like an eagle being greeted by the above each boot? Each BSOD would make you chuckle on this inside, knowing you’re about to get an extra added glimpse of the above. Perfect.
And there we go. Thanks to Ben Baker for putting the idea for an update in my head with a Discord post about the Windows theme for One Foot in the Grave. If you like this update (or my other, better updates), you’ll almost certainly enjoy Ben’s latest Live Repeat on Noisebox Radio looking at the forty best TV themes of ALL TIME.
Continuing this occasional series, this time with added Dall-E, which no longer requires people to sit in a waitlist for months before getting access. Hooray! My prediction is that it’s absolutely going to storm it, going by how good the Outpainting feature is. That was able to turn this classic photo:
Into this:
Bodes pretty well, I’m sure you’ll agree. Oh, and I’ll use Dall-E instead of Computer Vision, which was quick to generate images, but… well, here’s ‘Russia Elects Cobweb’.
Bye, Computer Vision. UNLEASH THE NEWSGASM.
EPISODE TWO: The Big Report
“Arafat ablaze in kerosene oyster hell” — The Daily Telegraph
Partly because I’ve used up the last of my free credits making this, so this is the last chance it gets to appear here.
“Peter Collins is not a man.” — Today
1st place: Dall-E
Not sure if there is a famous rugby league player of that name, but if there is, they certainly ain’t a human man.
2nd place: HOTPOT
Not sure what’s going on here, either. But the Eastern-Bloc-Propaganda poster look is a welcome interpretation.
3rd place: CRAIYON
Nope, no idea. Not a man, because he’s an effigy stuffed with newspaper, perhaps? It’s certainly a quietly unsettling image.
“‘Eating turkey at Christmas is like nailing an egg to the cross’ says Bishop.” — The Catholic Herald.
1st place: DALL-E
A very strong effort from the newcomer. If that had been mooted as a topical cartoon of the news story in a foreign-language newspaper, I’d easily believe it. Top marks.
2nd place: HOTPOT
Another strong one, after I’d used the ‘Comic Book’ setting on Hotpot. A very close run thing between the top two. Would work as cover art for a KMFDM album, too.
3rd place: DEEP.AI
A strong showing from the three main contenders for this headline. Well done, all.
“Russia elects Cobweb.” — The New Zealand Prendergast
One of the most memorable headlines, and something that we can but wish were true MYNAMESMATTFORDEGOODNIGHT.
1st place: PIXRAY
Dall-E cocks up the land here by generating pictures of cobwebs. Possibly overtly political cobwebs with a plan for ousting Putin, but that doesn’t come across in the picture. So, it’s up for grabs and Pixray takes the prize for this image.
2nd place: HOTPOT
Other results were only on nodding terms with the remit, and best of those was another Comic Book one from Hotpot.
3rd place: NIGHTCAFE
Even less on topic, but a nice piece of art from the Nightcafe crew. And I’ve now got a few more credits now, so I might as well publish the results of them.
Okay, time for a look at that old League Table.
HotPot making up a lot of ground on Pixray, but now Dall-E is part of this, it’ll be interesting to see how it fares after everyone else had a head start. It’s just like the new version of Ninja Warrior, basically. But with a news spoof that basically will never grow tired.
For the uninitiated, The Day Today was a 1994 BBC2 comedy series parodying contemporary news coverage, a programme that has remained resident in the collective consciousness of all British comedy fans ever since. A TV adaptation of Radio 4 series On The Hour, The Day Today would provide terrestrial TV debuts for Chris Morris, Armando Iannucci and Steve Coogan’s Alan Partridge, amongst others.
Back in 2021 (remember that? When we thought things were as bad as they could get? Bless our naive little hearts), I wrote a Medium post where I challenged AI image bot Pixray to create images for Tomorrow’s Headlines from The Day Today. The results were… mixed. So, in a bit of a break from writing about old BBC programmes I’ve mostly never seen, let’s recreate that experiment by setting six different AI bots against each other, and see who can create the best visual interpretation of Chris Morris brain wrongs.
WARNING: Maybe don’t read the rest of the entry whilst eating.
EPISODE ONE: Main News Attack
HEADLINE ONE: “Aristocrat’s Dung Saves Village From Flood.” — Daily Mail
See why I warned you about not eating? Here are the top three results for that less-than-tantalising morsel.
1st Place: PIXRAY
There was always going to be dung, but at least here you can tell it’s especially aristocratic. See the velvet chair and finery in the background? That’s going the extra mile. Plus, the dung is visibly blocking off the flood. Top marks.
2nd Place: NIGHTCAFE
Not as easy to buy into the dung angle here, but there definitely seems to be an effect to have saved the village. Plus, it’s a nice image at a decent resolution.
3rd Place: HOTPOT
There’s definitely a man trying to save something using a dung-like substance. And, without being too course, we’ve not way of proving it isn’t from an aristo’s arse.
HEADLINE TWO: “Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision.” — Today
1st Place: NIGHTCAFE
A clear winner, despite the Eurovision angle not being obvious. At least the singer is drowning, which is a sentence that I admit is very wrong out of context.
2nd Place: PIXRAY
A close second, thanks to looking a bit more like the Eurovision stage, and an Italian flag being present. But that’s not drowning. They’re barely even damp.
3rd Place: HOTPOT
A low bar, because most of these results were rubbish. But this does look most like someone who’d be representing Italy at Eurovision, so bronze medal.
SPECIAL MENTION: COMPUTER VISION EXPLORER
I mean, what the actual fuck?
HEADLINE THREE: “Lord Mayor’s Pirhouette in Fire Chief Decapitation” — Daily Express
1st Place: HOTPOT
Basically nailing the story had it ran on P1 of the London Illustrated News, there.
2nd Place: DEEP AI
That IS very much the face of a man who’d just seen that happen.
3rd Place: PIXRAY
That definitely does look disturbing enough to warrant a front page headline, in fairness.
HEADLINE THREE: “Robin Cock” – The Sun
1st Place: PIXRAY
Phew.
2nd Place: DEEP AI
Phew.
3rd Place: DALL.E MINI
PHEW. Safe to say some of them ignore particular key words.
HEADLINE FOUR: “‘Feel My Nose and Put My Specs There’, Roars Drunken Major”
1st Place: PIXRAY
A disappointing haul again, but at least Pixray managed to incorporate all the key elements.
…which appears to be the new name for Dall.E Mini. It’s basically the same, anyway. And it brought out a series of disturbing images for the query, some of which are definitely not suitable for human consumption. Here’s one of them, which should brighten your day if you were wondering what Andrew Collins would look like in a Bo Selecta mask.
3rd Place: HOTPOT
Key elements incorporated: just the glasses, sadly. But, y’know, thin gruel, take what you can get etc.
Yeah, that’s all anyone needs to see for now. So, at the end of episode one, and going by five points for a first place, three for second, one for third, here are the standings.
ALL TO PLAY FOR.
J/K, Pixray’s probably going to win at this rate. Next round of hot AI bot action this time next week.
