And so, from Snooker, a sport that has had a relatively rich and varied history since the very birth of broadcasting, onto a programme that basically hasn’t changed since it began twenty years ago. Heeeeere’s

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8: Homes under the Hammer

(Shown 5166 times, 2003-2021)

One thing that was always going to make an appearance in this list: property shows. Rivalled only by quizzes for the trophy of Genre Representing The Most Gapingly Open Goal In Daytime Programming, it’s a slight surprise we haven’t seen more of them on the BBC.

We’ve had Escape to the Country and To Buy or Not to Buy in the top hundred so far, while Changing Rooms is (slightly surprisingly) well outside the hundred (if anyone was anxiously waiting for it, you may now exhale). Such programmes are much more at home on Channel Four, which is something to ponder every time the channel boasts about how it strives to cater for underserved minorities, suggesting it only seems keen to serve minorities looking to improve their property portfolio by a restoring a château on the cheap.

Despite Four’s stranglehold on the genre, the Daddy of Property Programmes is very much a BBC enterprise. Originally hosted by Lucy Alexander and Martin Roberts, Homes Under the Hammer follows a number of properties bought up on the cheap via auction, and then follows the fortunes of the people who buy them, do them up, and then sell them on for big profits. It’s a staggeringly popular daytime programme. Which is why only seven programmes have been broadcast more often throughout the BBC’s entire history.

Despite that… very little seems to have been written about the programme. The first time it appeared on our screens in November 2003, no newspapers pulled it aside for a preview paragraph or two. Nobody seems to have written an article about it when it arrived. Even the Radio Times, given the programme’s 10am slot, only had room on that day’s listings to offer up “the weekday run starts by following three Devon properties that are up for auction.”

The Wikipedia entry for the programme isn’t even sure when some of the series started or ended, or how many episodes have been made.

It’s a bit strange, to be honest. Sure, nobody’s starting a change.org petition to have a 4K BluRay remaster of the entire series, but it keeps going. Someone must do more than simply tolerate it? Surely?

I can’t help but suspect there’s a reason nobody seems especially keen to chronicle the history of the programme. And that reason is… in every single home under a hammer, in every single room, the cameras are having to keep the elephant out of shot. But we all know it’s there.

The point of the programme is to show homes being sold in a rush at knockdown prices. Often homes in need of repair, of modernisation, of rapid repairs to the damp course, cracked tiles or a leaky roof. For the purposes of the programme, that’s a good thing. An un-valuable home can be turned into a profitable house. The programme hardly shies away from this – the production company’s website sells the show as “the exciting auction series where potential bargains can bring big return on investment and a carefully planned house makeover can make all the difference”. How could anyone spending a morning off picking Coco Pops out of their beard miss out on something involving a big return on investment?

And yet: there’s generally a reason houses at auction are having to be sold so quickly, and so cheaply. And – SPOILERS – it ain’t due to a spate of benevolent property magnates who’ve just won the lottery and can’t be bothered waiting to dispose of their stock.

Given Britain is a place where an entire national identity has been built on Maximising The Value Of Your Property, someone quickly selling a home at auction probably isn’t doing it for the happiest of reasons. It might be that the previous occupant had died, and the grieving family want to sort the estate out quickly, granted. But when it comes to houses in poor states of repair, it’s more likely that someone – yes, very likely a family with children – had been struggling for ages to keep their lives together and finally had to admit they could no longer able to afford the place. It could even be that the decision to sell had little to do with them, and more to do with landlords or mortgage providers. All that’s clear is, in many of the households explored by the HutH experts, people’s lives had been taking place in most of the properties. And now they aren’t.

(Reader’s Voice: “Maybe they moved out because of the elephant you mentioned? I wouldn’t want to live in a house where there’s an elephant!”)

Sigh.

Anyway, moral concerns aside, there’s something else I can’t help but notice about Homes Under the Hammer: it’s programme that offers a very handy grab-bag reference to (a) someone hoovering up cheap property for quick and easy profit, or (b) as far as its audience goes, it’s the epitome of indolent tele-viewing.

How do I know that? Because I’ve been looking to see how often it gets mentioned in works of fiction, that’s how. And so, here comes a rundown of:

THE TOP THIRTY TIMES ‘HOMES UNDER THE HAMMER’ HAS BEEN REFERENCED IN WORKS OF FICTION (AND OCCASIONALLY NON-FICTION)

Oh, we are very much doing this. Here goes. I could easily have made this a top fifty or more, easily. There are a lot out there. And this is just from those I found on the archive.org lending library. And remember, while several of the quotes below might be a bit on the punching-down side, at least they didn’t directly profit from a family’s eviction. Even the fact one of the quotes is from Mrs Brown’s Family Handbook doesn’t change that.

30: Finders Keepers, Belinda Bauer (2012)

“Steven’s mother, Lettie, took pills too. She sat on the sofa next to Nan, crying at Homes under the Hammer, with an old Spiderman pyjama top crumpled in her hands.”

29: Born Gangster, Jimmy Tippett, Nicola Stow (2014)

“There was nothing to do apart from watch crap on television, and I was sick of it. My days were revolving around Loose Women , This Morning, Homes Under the Hammer, Cash in the Attic, Deal or no Deal and The Price is Right.”

28: The Ex Factor, Eva Woods (2016)

“A raincheck meant, Never in a million years, sucker. A raincheck meant, I’ve met someone new but I am too chicken to tell you. Or worse, I just can’t be bothered to leave my sofa and Homes Under the Hammer is more appealing than another night in your company. Ani knew that better than anyone.”

27: Alan Stoob: Nazi Hunter, Saul Wordsworth (2014)

“With no idea what to do I turn on the telly and flick between The Wright Stuff, Homes Under The Hammer, Location Location Location, Antiques Roadshow and a 3-2~1 starring Dusty Bin. Footage of me running naked, tiny penis embedded in my scrotum, plays on ITV2. I switch off and shuffle into the kitchen. There’s a note from Tom.”

26: Our World, Little Mix (2017)

“I’ve got a cinema room with an L-shaped leather sofa and I love being in there, in jogging bottoms and a hoody, thick cosy socks, relaxing with a glass of wine. On TV I love Catchphrase – shouting the answers at the telly! – TOWIE, George Shore, And and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. I’ll watch anything to do with property. Grand Designs, A Place in the Sun, Homes Under the Hammer.”

25: Survive in the Office With a Sense of Humour, Andy B and Jamien Bailey (2014)

“You filled out a really long application form that asked you like, loads of questions and stuff and made you look up the meaning of the word diligent. You dragged yourself away from ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ twice, for both a first and second interview.”

24: Consequences… I’m With the Band, Laurie Depp (2008)

“”Are you OK, Mum?” I asked, without expecting much of a response. She looked up at me slowly, as if trying to recognise who it was that had invaded her silence and the flickering of Homes under the Hammer on the TV screen.”

23: Mrs Brown’s Family Handbook, Brendan O’Carroll (2013)

“If they know you’ve been sitting with your feet up all day watching Homes Under the Hammer and doing the word snake in the back of the paper, they’ll be filling your day with their bollocks and then you’ve no time for telly-shopping.”

22: More Morello Letters, Duncan McNair (2011)

“Hoping you can re-house the old trout for us. She loves bingo and wrestling and a certain amount of horseplay. She also needs to be near a telly that’s showing either Terminator or Die Hard. Or Homes under the Hammer.”

21: Bonkers: My Life in Laughs, Jennifer Saunders (2013)

“Oh, please don’t let me be ill. . . I haven’t got time to be ill! I have no time to sit in hospitals! I have work and children and I want to do stuff and be in control of my own life, even uf that just means watching Homes Under the Hammer.”

20: Single Men, Dave Hill (2005)

“She saw that Lynda had obtained an A-level prospectus from the local sixth-form college and left it meaningfully on the coffee-table. Marie considered reading it but the booklet failed miserably to leap unaided into her hands so she watched Homes under the Hammer instead. She was just drifting, dribbling, gently off to sleep when her mobile rang.”

19: Quick Pint After Work? (and Other Everyday Lies), Luke Lewis (2014)

“Homes Under The Hammer: Daytime TV show that is only ever watched through a veil of tears, by those who are either unemployed, sick or depressed.”

18: How to be a Grown-Up, Daisy Buchanan (2017)

“During dark wallows, I have compared myself negatively to a woman in the middle of a paternity suit on Jeremy Kyle (“Two men are fighting over her! I have no one!’), to someone who’d just bought a house with chronic dry rot and a problem garden on Homes under the Hammer (‘I will never be a homeowner! Not for me the joy and pain of Japanese bindweed!’) and everyone on Loose Women (‘Urggh, I hate myself, they all have better hair than mel’).”

17: The Wish: 99 Things We Think We Want, Bill Griffin (2017)

“It’s so fraught it’s a wonder anyone bothers dating at all, when they could be home alone watching Homes under the Hammer and eating dim sum in their pyjamas, which is obviously preferable to sitting opposite a stranger in Pizza Express and asking them how many siblings they have.”

16: Between a Mother and Her Child, Elizabeth Noble (2012)

“Her life had become a dull routine, punctuated by television programmes. She watched far too much boring television, but their showing times and their theme tunes were the clock of her day. Homes Under the Hammer, Escape to the Country, Come Dine With Me and then Coronation Street.”

15: Hurrah For Gin: The Daily Struggles of Archie Adams (Aged 2¼), Katie Kirby (2017)

“Suits us all fine if I’m honest, as now we can just sit about in our PJs on Monday mornings – Mummy can watch Homes under the Hammer on the TV, I can watch Fireman Sam dubbed in German on her phone and Chase can just lie on her play mat sicking milk up and trying to work out how to roll.”

14: Watching War Films With My Dad, Al Murray (2012)

“Critics will say look at Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation series (which I’ve never seen), that was what used to be on BBC1. Now look at, say – and I have to be careful here, I might know someone who works on this and get punched on the nose – Homes Under The Hammer.”

13: The Unmumsy Mum, Sarah Turner (2016)

“That hour of tea and sympathy outside the house was priceless and gave me the much-needed motivation to get dressed and not stay indoors watching Homes Under the Hammer for the fifth consecutive day.”

12: Her, Harriet Lane (2014)

“I look down at Cecily, whose dark eyelashes are fanned out on her round cheeks, her fists curled on either side of her head. Her chest rises and falls in her moon-patterned sleeping bag: in, out, in. I visualise Peggy on the treadmill in pink velour joggers and a light sweat glaze, eyes locked onto Cash in the Attic or Homes Under the Hammer.”

11: Thinking About it Only Makes it Worse And Other Lessons from Modern Life, David Mitchell (2014)

“There’s my personal favourite, Homes Under the Hammer, where the production company has just set up a video camera at a property auction and sent presenters to stalk the successful buyers.”

10: Recipes for Life, Bernadine O’Connell (2011)

“She wears less lycra than I would dare on the beach. Hope she isn’t coming near me – keep my eyes focused on the monstrously large TV screen above and pretend to be engrossed in ‘Homes Under the Hammer’.”

9: The Pictures Are Better on the Radio, Adam Carroll-Smith (2016)

“At this point, I’m not ruling out the possibility that when Bob gets home, he is actually just watching a different game — Everton vs. Swansea or something — or maybe just episodes of Homes Under The Hammer, and wondering why West Ham aren’t involved and they haven’t shown a single replay of Seiko/Sakho’s goal.”

8: Christmas Kisses, Alison May (2016)

“Liam sat on the sofa. Homes under the Hammer had finished hours ago. He’d sat through the actual news at one o’clock because the remote control was at the other side of the room and moving was beyond his mental effort.”

7: Pea’s Book of Best Friends, Susie Day (2012)

“It was a disappointment, finding out that adulthood didn’t fix that sort of worry all by itself. But then Mum and Dr Paget started talking about films they’d wanted to see but forgotten to, and books everyone else seemed to have read, and the terrifyingly addictive lure of Homes under the Hammer, and Pea knew it would be all right.”

6: The One Memory of Flora Banks, Emily Barr (2017)

“There is a TV on. A man and a woman are on the screen, talking directly to me, saying, “The kitchen renovation.” It suddenly stops and the words Homes Under the Hammer appear on the screen. I don’t know why homes would be under a hammer.”

5: Television Hell by Luke Whiteman – HMP Leicester, Inside Poetry Volume One (2009)

“I’ve never watched so much TV,
Since that judge imprisoned me.
They put me in a prison cell,
With a man from TV hell.
A true original soap queen,
With eyes alive like a TV screen.
9.15 in the morning on BBC 1
He starts with Don’t get Done, get Dom
Next is Homes under the Hammer
This guy’s a human TV planner.”

4: The Mirror World of Melody Black, Gavin Extence (2015)

“Except I found Homes Under the Hammer anything but innocuous, and I was willing to bet I was not the only one. Homes Under the Hammer was a programme in which smug, middle-aged idiots bought and sold property, usually generating a huge profit while simultaneously pricing the rest of the population out of the market. These people all owned homes already. Many of them owned multiple homes, which was why they were able to borrow such vast sums of money from the bank.”

3: Reality Television and Class, Heather Nunn (2011)

“In Homes under the Hammer (BBC1, 2003-), the hard-headed business side of buying for investment was emphasised as viewers were invited into frequently shabby, half-renovated or derelict properties that have been put under auction. Here, the underside of the property market was present as cameras entered repossessed homes. But the emphasis on property as financial investment prevailed as the viewer watched punters bidding at the auction house and their subsequent transformation of a cheaply purchased property into a viable rentable or resale property.”

2: Staying Alive: How to Get the Best from the NHS, Dr Phil Hammond (2014)

“‘Homes Under the Hammer’ will ruin your day because it will ruin the day of the people in your care. Unless someone has specifically requested to watch daytime TV, do everything you can to prevent them from languishing in front of that loathsome dross.”

1: Doctor Who: In The Blood, Jenny T Colgan (2017)

“Many people looked unhappy, but then, they were watching Homes Under the Hammer.”

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Well, you think of a way to write about Homes Under the Hammer. At least I avoided the one I could’ve used by Jeremy Clarkson. You’re welcome. Back next time with a much more exciting programme!